Chapter 9: Lob myself a grenade

It's a beautiful night. It's springtime for the head-case.

I guess tonight I'm on the receiving end of a quiet night in. Considering the level of boredom I've had during the last few weeks, I think I'm about to hit critical mass.

The caffeine addiction - in particular Tim Hortons - has me in a stronger grip than it ever did before and right now that doesn't seem so wrong. A lot of the time it's seemingly the main reason I have for getting out of the house. It takes approximately an hour to walk down to the Tim Hortons on Iroquois and back, so that gives me that much of an escape. I guess, in practicality, it's not such a bad thing. I just wish I didn't feel like such an addict. A victim. A patsy.

It's been a weird day. I slept late, probably later than I wanted to, but there's nothing wrong with that in and of itself. I went for a long walk (big surprise although it did not end with coffee) before coming back and going with Eric to get a Mother's Day gift. I made sure to check with Brandon to see if he was on board for going in on a gift. He objected last year (for some reason) and it became a much bigger thing than it should have been. This year he agreed. Mother's Day is a weird one for us. It's not that we don't appreciate everything mom does for us, which at this point in our lives is probably more than it should be, but we have a hard time finding cards and gifts that express our feelings appropriately. Well this year we managed to figure out something we liked, and hopefully she will too.

It's not going to be a particularly happy Mother's Day for our mom, either, she's got a lotta grief on her mind. Our boarder, the largely-invisible Vladimir, hasn't moved out despite not paying rent for May. That's a big deal for her. Not to mention the whole Elizabeth thing tomorrow which i'm sure will be a mess. I don't know why Elizabeth insists one everyone being present... it's a very difficult chore to entertain a room full of people who are all mad at you. But mom has various theories for Elizabeth's obsession with getting her way on this one, most of which ring true (although don't make Elizabeth look all too good.)

Me, I'm thinking it won't be long before that branch of the family tree is left alone, as I've mentioned before. Our connection these days feels more tenuous and strained.

That said, I wonder if Mom's gotten the kid a gift, as I'm sure that's partly what Elizabeth intends.

I don't reckon I'll be in much of a headspace for a family gathering, myself. Not after tonight and the little sleep I'll be getting after this exhausting exile I'm living. I've never felt like such a nothing as I do now. A non-factor in the human race. I hate nights like these. I could use a gin.

I had this dream last night. Very vivid. I was going on a school trip, but promised to my family that would be the last time they'd see me, as I intended to commit suicide whilst on the trip. Eventually the bus arrived and I admitted, no, I wasn't going to commit suicide at all, because I wanted to see Cameron and Ali grow up. The family comforted me and told me they didn't really expect me to go through with it.

Now that's fucked up I tell you. Most of the imagery of the dream I can place... the trip was from the videos I watched the other night of the WOSS London trip, the kids being there was from last week and tomorrow. The suicide was from the recent Facebook Suicide Pact story floating around.

I was in Toronto this past week as readers will know (they would, if they existed.) At first I was annoyed at the city. I hated it becasue it was full of people. But before long, I began to enjoy the atmosphere. It afforded a certain anonymity that was strangely comforting. I was nothing there, but for the right reasons.

Nobody's listening, nobody's listening, nobody's listening. Can you tell I'm down?

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto