Chapter 6: Shell game of emotions

I've been edgy lately. Kinda cagey about making plans and getting my shit together. It's weird. I should be relaxed. Instead, anytime anyone tells me I need to do something I just get all snarky and angry. I have to meet with my new boss on the weekend, at a house out in Bronte. And suddenly all I can think about is "What if every single job is out in Bronte? I told her I'd be good on transportation but there's no way I can keep that up all summer!" I don't know. So I flew myself into a mini-panic.

I've just been trying to relax over my last few days of guaranteed weekday freedom. It's not easy. Yesterday was a bit chilly and kinda drizzly, but I defied (conventional wisdom) and went out for comics, because all of a sudden I care about my position as Review Editor at ComiXtreme very much and want to be seen as someone who can get at least one review out on time per month. The truth is, I've been working in reviews for over 5 years and it's ground me down some over that time, and some days I just think if that one guy wants to do everything himself, I'd let him. But then I take a step back and realize that I want to stand for quality, not just quantity. Oh, veiled passive aggressive attacks.

So I've spent the last couple days "enjoying" my freedom by kinda bumming around town not really doing much. It's actually a little depressing and yet liberating to realize that if I hadn't gotten this job, that's exactly what I'd be doing every single day of the summer. Last summer was incredibly depressing.

Anyway today was likewise not much of a day. I accomplished one main thing, and that was to beat Freebird on Hard on Guitar Hero which so far is the greatest extent of my modest ability in that game. Fun. (I'm still on the GH, everyone else has moved on to GTA4 - the thing is, I'm not really a GTA fan so I don't bat an eye.)

We were grocery shopping earlier. It was kind of a drag, but a necessary one as always. One of the more interesting things was that we found these kebabs and that seemed like it would make for an interesting meal. So we went about our business and were checking out and as usual lately things started to get a little messed up. RCSS changed their policy and the cashiers no longer do the bagging for you. This causes a huge backup at the checkout line as patrons like me attempt in vain to unstick the plastic bags and eventually, once all the items are all scanned the cashier ends up helping with the bagging anyway. Anyway, we realized once we got home that in all the confusion, we'd forgotten the kebabs. It was after 9:00 before we got back to the store and it felt like it was going to be a big hassle, but it was really a quick matter. The only real drawback was that I missed the Office. But in any case, the quest for Kebabs ultimately ended well.

I had this dream last night that we were having a garage sale - or working at a Flea Market - and I met this random girl and spent a lot of time and energy in a fruitless attempt to win her over. It stems, in part, from a recent episode of a certain daytime talk show I saw spotlighting dudes who considered themselves major players. Suffice it to say, I'm not one of those guys.

Tomorrow I'm gonna head out and see Iron Man. Should be good times. Every time I mention that to someone they automatically respond with how much they loved it, so that's exciting.

I had this terrible idea a while back to start up a new blog. I was considering something in more of a journalistic/editorial vein than this straight-up confessional highschoolesque deal I've always kept, but I thought better of it for now... It would just feel like one extra thing I would come to resent making myself do time and again and cause me to lose motivation and gain guilt. I'd like to get my head together to mount such a project, but I want to be able to be enthusiastic about it.

I need to clear my head some. Too many loose ends in there.

Keep on rockin'
-Scott