C: You think you know somebody

It's been very hard for me to settle down and write a blog entry lately. there are numerous unsurprising reasons for this. Work exhausts. Papers have come due lately. I'm still trying to do some real writing. There's hardly been a moment in the last week when I've had the ability to just sit down and lay it all out.

And when I have, the result has not always been so pretty.

I generally pride myself on being, you know, open and raw with my, er, emotional state. By and large I don't see the use in writing about myself in this format if I'm not going to be honest about it. and so you get a lot of me miserable, a lot of me frustrated, lonely, sad, tired guy. Angry at the world because of my limitations, because of problems I bring on myself. i had about a half a post written up along those lines, back on Sunday night. I got to the halfway point, kept going back and restarting, before realizing I just didn't want to express that sentiment. It's funny, you know. It's one thing to have a feeling but it's another to elect to express it in that way. I usually do, and I'm not about suppressing one's emotions, but occasionally some very wise words echo in my ears, spoken by a girl who probably just wanted me to quit being a whiny bitch, and moreover, just leave (her specifically) alone.

"Nobody likes a mopey person."

Look, that sounds harsh, but it's a very apt way of distilling the problem of self-representation and one's place in society. You can only appeal to people's pity so much before it grows tiring, and it's a lesson I learned in grade 10, then spent about 2 years learning to apply.

So I didn't want to burden whatever readers I may have with the same old self-loathing I've been nursing since I was 15. I opted, this time around, to work past it on my own, and lay off expressing myself too overtly until after it was done with, if ti was done with. and then there was the problem of finding time to write.

So it was Sunday and I was working, and as sometimes happens, a pretty girl comes in and I get all angsty because I can't (bring myself to) do anything for her but be like "Durrr need help finding anything." Even though I don't really want to do anything more, it just happened to be at a time when actual human contact would've been nice. When she gets to the counter, Andy turns on his dopey charm and gets her laughing, and that's what set me off. Not hating Andy, but hating myself.

It was the next day I snapped out of it thanks to a very similar incident. I was at work, with only Andy to keep me company, as Alan was in the back doing Adam's job while Adam was off taking a test to be a cop, or something. I had one of those weird sobering moments when Karen, as she was preparing to leave, outlined what we needed to get done that day, said the words "You're in charge out here tonight." Guh. Obviously, between me and Andy, I'm the one who takes the leadership role, because I've got more experience and a brain that is less souplike (indeed it is the soupiness that enables his success with women, I believe.) He arrived 45 minutes late because he slept in napping.

So here's me, getting things done, staying at the cash mostly because Andy hasn't been given a till (so much the better for new release stocking) when this girl comes in and asks when Paranormal Activity is coming out. I recognize her, she works at the Koodo kiosk, and she uses a form of familiarity that is not uncommon among mall workers. And since Paranormal Activity has already been out for several weeks, I take her over to it, and we strike up a conversation when she asks for recommendations. I haven't got any -- horror isn't exactly my forte, but I do know a few of the titles off the top of my head. so I show her this horror-spoof-pastiche starring (or featuring, or something) Flight of the Conchords (both members and their manager Rhys Darby) and she takes it and I ask her to let me know how it is.

This entire exchange lasted, oh, maybe five or six minutes during which we also exchanged thoughts on zombies and as I was cashing her out, that her boyfriend had something of a man-crush on Leonardo DiCaprio, as one of the cash-crashers was Romeo + Juliet. Now, this, I don't mind. Like I implied earlier, I really don't give a damn about actually succeeding with random girls right now, I just want to be able to access the part of my brain that has anything to say other than "Durr can I help you find anything" (I guess the "durr" isn't helping.) When she left, Andy remarked that I "had a moment" with that one, but I played it off. It was probably just the first time he'd seen me really be... someone.

That's what I miss about working with Cait. Of all the coworkers, she was really the only one I could joke around with, relate to, be myself. I'm not as sharp without her around.

Sunday night I wound up writing a 2000-word paper on The Things They Carried, which I think is probably a decent paper, at least I hope it was because I actually put in what I consider to be substantial effort, especially compared to some of my previous output. Strung together a thesis, topic statements and everything. Then on Monday I found out that the paper wasn't due 'til Wednesday, so, go me for being bad at time management and still it works out. Today, I had another paper due, a response on jazz. I hadn't read the article prior to last night, and was angsting over how I was going to write a convincing paper on a subject about which I knew nothing and felt no connection. Even if it was only 2 pages.

Well I started by reading the article. And I was going along, making some points about what the author was saying about the history of jazz, jazz criticism, the driving narrative and how it was being discerned at the time. And to some degree it touched on the concept of Jazz as art music but was largely staying away from it. Eventually he got to a point where he was discussing the emergence of bebop, and how by considering bebop as part of the jazz narrative, it helped to establish an overarching theme of what jazz meant, defined by an idea rather than a sound. So I read this and I'm thinking to myself "Hm, it seems like bebop is basically what enabled jazz to qualify as art music," and then he said pretty much that exact sentence. And then not only did it become clear, but it struck me that I was actually understanding this article, being able to anticipate, more or less, what the point was.

So that really helps in writing a paper about something, when you, you know, understand it. Shit, I got a solid B on my film history paper last year and I didn't really understand the readings I did for that.

so I was able to write the paper more or less to explicate this point, complete with context and quotes, some hopefully I can redeem myself after my embarrassing effort on the "culture industry" paper.

I feel like I'm finally starting to rehabilitate myself. I'd gotten into some really bad habits, and enabled myself to stay imprisoned in them even as I was aware. And I may not suddenly be getting A's, but I think I'm getting to a point where I can refocus my efforts more along the lines of what I was producing back in first year. I can remember when Cobb said, most people get to University and they notice they're not getting A's anymore and having to work toward adapting. The opposite was true for me. I came in at an advantage, pre-adapted, and got lazy. time to take responsibility. There's already been a marked improvement in my mood.

I'm also attempting to cut back on soft drinks. I'm starting by not drinking them outside the house. It's a lifestyle change I've long sensed I would eventually get around to, but never felt up to. I've been committed to coffee as a way of life for over three years, I don't need the caffeine. For the time being I'll continue to drink it at home, but I'm phasing in new juice-drinking habits there too.

So, I'm actually trying to, in some way, better myself. It's uncharacteristic, but I thought I'd give it a try.

Reading week is looking good.

Keep on rockin
-Scott