Four: Nothing and nothing and nothing

I am feeling strangely disconnected lately. Just gotten on exam break and I'm so unfocused. I worked a lot last week and now I'm just... blank. I mean, I want to be writing or at least studying but mainly what I'm doing is getting up, getting coffee, eating, playing video games (I unwisely bought New Super Mario Bros. Wii while I had other stuff to do. I do this shit to myself.) And then I wait online for people to come online.

It's like this.

I've been doing this other thing for a while now. For the most part I meet creepy dudes who just wanna be talked off by underage girls. Every so often you get plunked into a real conversation.

A few weeks ago this happened. I just started talking to this person and we really got on well, (she claimed to be female and I believed her.) And she made a Monty Python reference, which, although not exclusive to males, is not typically the go-to for the female sex. So anyway, this goes on, and she becomes the one and only time I have ever offered to add someone on MSN from Omegle. I offered one other person, but it was more or less against my will and we never talk. This despite a significant age difference and of course geographic distance (she's from Pennsylvania or something.) Anyway, it's not romantic or anything, I just like knowing her. I don't know what she looks like (I imagine her face is horrifically scarred in some way.) She doesn't know my appearance except from my MSN display, which is my Grade 5 class photo.

Anyway. This friendship-interaction-thing took a step up the other day when she told me something very personal about herself, that she keeps from people so as to not affect their opinion of her. Out of respect for her, I can't tell you what it is, but I can tell you that in all my years of hearing about other peoples' weird things, I have never come across this particular quirk. In order to drive this anecdote home, however, I need to come up with a fictitious counterpart. So imagine someone you've recently met and become fast friends with tell you she believed (or possibly still believes, as the case may be,) that she is an alien. Full-out, psychologically convinced she is part of an extraterrestrial race, making up a fictional backstory and feeling despondent about the lack of connection between herself and us Earthlings.

So she tells you that, and she's serious, and she's made her peace with it or gotten over it as the case may be, and her only problem is that this very odd but very important part of her life, she must keep hidden because, fuck, people tend to judge people like that. But after this brief period she feels comfortable just telling you all this. And in this case, "you" is "me." So what do I say?

Well, I pause, and I take a breather, re-reading the words on the screen to make sure I understand the story correctly, and I know on the other end of the Internet, this random girl whose face I can't even picture is just waiting for me to dismiss her or get weirded out, and what do I say? What do I say?

"Well," I say. Pause.

"Nobody's perfect."

Don't you just love me? I hate to brag, but I'm a really understanding cat. This thing she'd told me -- not that she's an alien, it was something else from that -- was incredibly persona and more than a little odd in nature, and well, what can you say? Nobody's perfect.

Anyway, in her lead-up to this bombshell, she asked if there was anything I was deliberately hiding to keep from souring her opinion of me.

The answer is, I don't think so, no. I could be mistaken, or doing it unconsciously, but to the best of my knowledge I'm very upfront. I've created what could be considered a very complete narrative of myself here and I usually stick by it when I build my identity for other people.

I don't really feel like saying anything to anyone lately. I feel like I'm sinking a little bit into the swamp of the internet. I've gotten a little time and I am squandering it. Focus, focus Scotto. Don't lose yourself.

I'm weird, man, but mainly just unmotivated.

This post is nothing.

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto