002: In Transformation

It's been a weird week. I survived another extended visit from Eric over the winter break and since the weekend I've been trying to transition back to the old routine. I like it this way and don't want it to change, but inevitably it will. This is why I keep telling myself that I have to move away. Leave the nest.

The first week back at school was mostly positive, although I did learn that I forgot to apply for graduation in the spring. My fault. On Tuesday, I dressed in a shirt and tie for Grad photos. And since I was already all dressed up, I stayed that way all day. The girls in Anthro seemed to think I looked handsome. I could get used to that. Of course, to them I'm suddenly a haircut and clean shaven as well. What a difference.

I haven't slept well lately. For some reason, Community isn't as good for falling-asleep-to as other DVDs, perhaps because I feel the urge to really listen. Arrested Development is similar, but it was working well. Maybe there are more jokes in Community I haven't heard yet. It'll only be my third time watching each episode. I find myself waking up randomly in the middle of the night to the hum of the DVD player (the TV having turned itself off as I set it to do) and unable to get back to sleep. Sometimes it's because I had a dream that as deeply unnerving. Like last night, I dreamed I had this woman waiting for me in my room. And all I wanted to do was get to her but my family showed up and kept me apart from her. And I think part of that is me thinking, earlier that evening, about how I never did move out because my parents did a really good job of saying "Gee, Scott, are you SURE you wanna do that?" and now when I mention that to them they deny they did that. And of course, the reason I need the TV on is because my mind tends to wander, get pessimistic, freak out, etc etc, in the dark of night.

Karen took me aside today to basically give me a... lecture? Pep talk? It was about seeming mopey or pissy at work, albeit not in those words. There are a lot of reasons why I've been on edge for the last month, some of which are completely unrelated to the store. I don't think I'll ever be able to articulate to Karen the nature of the angst I've had lately (justified or not,) but I think she suspects it's about her. I wouldn't say it is. It's more about how I feel I come across. It's all self-obsession with me.

But really, it's just overkill. Ghosts appear and fade away...

Keep on rockin
-Scotto