021: Spread far and wide

I was a bit down on New Year's. Every so often lately I've gotten mad at myself for my station in life, limitations I perceive myself as having. Observations and magnifications of things I don't like about myself. A couple of nights ago, I remembered in great detail probably the worst single night I had all year, which might actually rank amongst the worst nights I can remember. It was the night we all went out to Monaghan's to say goodbye to Trevor, and the guys were forcing me into situations I wasn't comfortable with and I felt like I wasn't being heard, I was being boxed into this grotesquely negative interaction with this girl who didn't give one damn about my existence, and who I wasn't particularly interested in at the outset. What bothered me about this night was that they were not hearing my objections, that I wasn't into it and didn't wanna play. They were obsessed with trying to help me and it made me feel like a chump. Now really, that's not such a bad problem, it shows people at least care a bit to meddle in my business, even if they're too thick to tell that I don't want their help. That night kinda underlined a lot of things I don't like about myself and about the situations in which I find myself.

You'd think -- or hopefully you wouldn't since you're not reading this, and it's just me -- it would be Cary's birthday, when I once again struggled with my limits and ended up being completely blown off by the end of the night, but that had a few mitigating factors and honestly, got taken to such ridiculous extremes that I felt like at least, if I felt bad that night, I was still left with a bit of a story.

Anyway, it's all self-pity, all woe-is-me, playing the victim. I had some opportunities in 2011 and either I squandered them or I fucked them up or ignored them. Despite an outward failure to reap material rewards for my little efforts, (a handful of dates that went nowhere and the continued sneaking suspicion that everyone around me is just putting up with me) the trend of 2011 has been positive. I noticed by the end of the year that 2011 was the year I seem to have stopped worrying all the goddamn time, which makes sense.

I mean, the first half of the year, I felt like a mess. Stress at work was really magnified by stress at school, starting with the burnout I felt after the holidays, and the shock I felt when I found out I wasn't graduating when I thought I would. I mean, that one hit pretty hard, and rolled up into a ball of angst about myself and the world around me, including certain sociopolitical issues that I took to heart, which just haunted me for months. I don't know, dude, I was a wreck.

This all culminated in an event that pretty well splits the year in half for me, the replacement of Karen as manager by Bev. Honestly, that was a sheer pressure-dropping moment for me. Looking back I don't feel like the same person who was afraid to come into work and see his boss. The guy whose boss constantly felt the need to deliver bad pep talks and guilt trips about my performance. Honestly, I do think I had them coming, but the environment was negative anyway. I'd hesitate to say Karen was the reason for negative feeling, but her presence, the whole dynamic, did not help it. The situation did not make me want to perform my best work, nor that I could really live up to my potential no matter how hard I tried, because I didn't feel like I had it in me or that I really knew what I was. I was lost.

It didn't come all at once. And it wasn't happy ever after, as my recollection of the events from October suggest. But slowly, as I've grown into my own as a responsible person, feeling like I really am doing the best work I can (and getting frequent unsolicited reassurances from the manager) helps put a lot of that negativity behind me, and keep my life in perspective. Finishing school helped: ultimately, the classes I hated myself for having to do were a bit of a good time, although yes, I could've done without needing to do them, I'm happy with the way things worked out.

I'm in a better place right now than when I began last year, or even for a lot of last year. 2011 was the year I evened out some. 2012 will have to be the year things change, somehow or other, maybe not all at once. I do expect to be in a different place in my life in 365 days' time (assuming we make it out of this year alive) and if I'm back here next January telling you "Boy, what a crazy Christmas at the store" I'll probably be miserable about it.

OH God I just cursed myself. I take it back! This job is a wonderful fallback job! I enjoy it and I'm good at it, the co-workers are great, I could totally see myself still here in a year!

(cough cough)

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto