11: Imprint

Since there's no reason why I should expect to remember on future readings (we, don't read this) I will note that I backdated the previous post to when it was (mostly) done being written on my phone (I added some bits) and the immediately wrote this one... So it's a rare double post at a time when one post per month is about the max.

Last night we went out to the Niblick, and then Burlington Bowl, with Mel's family. We invited Eric along, and he came, and we had a pretty good time. It was the most time we'd spent together in a bit, although there have been plenty of occasions this summer, like that night with Amanda, or with Christina, or at Rib fest. Mel's affection for Eric helps bind us, in an odd way - he's my brother and we'll always be connected, but because Mel is also oddly latched to him he will always get the benefit of her doubt in a way that, strangely, B does not. That oddly makes me sad.

It was a good night, of too much food and many beers -Eric bought two pitchers without checking how many wanted some, and so I had to make a special effort to help him with that.  He was recognized by some hockey players from Canlan who latched onto him for the night, including one guy who we are pretty sure bought and consumed cocaine in the washroom. He began to get kind of erratic and even wanders onto one of our lanes as Unc was preparing to bowl. He and I defrayed that situation.

Later it was explained that Eric didn't even actually know those guys (and one gal.) That's just how it goes sometimes on a service job, where people know you but you don't know them. I often think of times I was recognized at bars from HMV and made myself closed off, misanthrope that I am. What did I miss out on from not having Eric's sense of adventure?

I say he and I have not spent as much time together lately. This is a natural development and not unheard of. He lived on Etobicoke for years and we were not so close. Hell we LIVED together for years and I didn't always feel close. It's somewhat only since he's held down work that I truly feel we relate, although we had our good times during his off years.

Now is the time when I spend nearly every night at Mel's, and I work 9-5 anyway while he tends bar mostly at night. Now is the time when we spend only one night or so, on weekends, at "my place," and Eric comes home around 4 and watches tv and it's loud -I've left it turned up by mistake - so I go ask him as nonjudgmentally as I can to turn it down.

Now is the time when I get up at 6:30 AM and shower and roll downstairs to make Mel's shake and some eggs and a coffee for me. Now we usually take the 8:17 train and I get to work around 9:15 and I feel that's a bit late but nobody's keeping track. Now I usually eat lunch with Tony and we talk about things like whether we have free will and if slavery is philosophically inherently wrong. Although I'm giving myself more latitude to skip that routine.

Now is past the time when I was at the store and she would get up early and I would roll over and sleep an extra hour. Now is past the time when I would meet her on her way home at the bus stop on Iroquois, after having between one and three or four hours just to write and be alone, depending when I finished work and depending on which train she got. Now is past the time when I had a late start on Wednesdays so I could go home, make a nice breakfast, shower in my own room, and write or watch wrestling (which conveniently got bad just as I no longer had time for it.)

Now is past the times over the holidays when she was at LCBO and worked many late night and weekends and I would come home and have a beer and watch, what pointless nonsense like Power Rangers or X-Men cartoons on Netflix. Now is the time in my life when our routines and structures are inextricably linked.

Now is long past the time when I would get hone from work, borrow my mom's car, drive to her place, do I-can't-even-remember-what all night and drive home. There is no more "going home" at the end of the night.

Gone are the days of borrowing my dad's car on Wednesday nights to grocery shop. I have not drive in months and I find that distressing.

Long long gone are the nights she stayed late, later than she should, because she loved me and didn't want to leave, and then I would go downstairs when she finally did and watch 2 AM reruns of Frasier with Eric and fall asleep o the couch. Gone are the days "my spot" was at a computer desk in my mom's basement. Now my main computer is my phone, and I have a tablet, and I haven't turned my PC on in months. (I dread to think what kind of updates it will need when I finally do.)

Gone are the days I did a little writing secretly at the store when we were busy and my co-worker was on break. Now I have my own desk and yet I feel I cannot secretly compose the novel of my dreams because /someone is watching./

Change, I accept as a fact of life. I did not always but it has always been there. This is what is it like today, it will not always be, but those days that are gone are gone. I have always felt sad when I could not capture the status quo in these posts, because once that changes you can never really get it back.

Last weekend we went to see Aunt Lori, Karen, Gail, Grandma and Cameron (Ali was at a friend's sleepover party.) It was fun, as I always say it is to catch up with then outside of a birthday context (gone are the days I suppose when everyone got full birthday treatment.) We also played Cards Against Humanity with the whole group. It was interesting to see who knew what, and what they approved of.

I have wanted to write this post for a while. But I go so long between posts that *things* come up to write about. Ah life! Bigger than you and you are (not me/knock-kneed.)

Keep on rockin'
  - Scotto