The Seventh: Coward.

I'm pissed off at myself.

Here's how it came about: I was writing out my little memoir about Girls, and in all my stories, it basically amounts to the fact that I'm a coward. Like, msot of the time I couldn't own up to it for myself. Or My cowardly double-dealing ends up screwing me over. Or my own inemptitude frustrates me to the point where she begins to think I'm a serial killer.

In Grade 5, the first time I ever told a girl face to face that I liked her, she told me that while she liked me, she could not commit. And did this screw me up for the rest of my life? What the fuck? Could this little insignificant moment have really affected my psyche so much that to this day I cannot function within the normal perameters of society??? I should have gotten over it long ago! And you know what? I DID get over it long ago. The rejection I can take, but FUCK. Will I always be haunted by that one example of incompetance? And all opf the other examples which followed because of it? I can pinpoint several different points in my life when, if I had just not been a coward (or an idiot) things would have turned out differently. But hindsight is 20/20.

God I can't even live with myself right now. And I don't want to live in the past, but this is my past and it's quite upsetting. And I just want to get it all out. Will I stop being such a fucking coward? Probably not. But maybe now that I recognize it I can better evaluate situations, and actually make decisions that shouldn't be so difficult.

The story of my life is a sad one, indeed. I must find some way to make ammends this year. That is my goal. I need to rectify a situation that should have been fixed years ago, and would have, but for my own fears and incompetance.

Sorry for the bitter-sounding entry kids. Keep on Rockin'
-Scott