Part VII: Runnin' for de shadows

I've felt like I'm in a bit of a dark haze these days. It's probably just my tendancy of compiling my every minor misery and pretending like it's some bigger issue. Maybe it is, maybe not...

Yesterday was particular for this. After philosophy, I schlepped down to Pratt to snag a computer and try to figure myself out. I had a poem due later. I didn't really have one written but had some stuff written down in a notebook. I did my best with it but found myself unsure. It was a weird thing, I wasn't sure I wanted people reading it. I tried to configure some good alternatives, but nothing was making itself appealing. I grumbled, I guess this was it. It was kind of a joke, and I wasn't sure I wanted to show it to people, and I certainly wasn't sure people would get/appreciate it. I wasn't sure I appreciated it. I printed it anyhow, and I grumbled. I skipped my English lecture for this.

After eating lunch (random sandwich from General Store,) and just kinda floating around, and talking to one of those fairly random people you meet but don't really know too well, we watched Double Indenity. Good movie, but then, you don't sign up for Film Studies to watch shitty movies. I went for coffee and a photocopier afterward. As always, was early for poetry. It wasn't much of a turn-out anyway, about half the class, with several even leaving before it was done (and then again, some arriving late.) It wasn't too heavyweight, a discussion of stanzaic forms and some roundtable workshopping of four poems or so. I did get a little feedback, basically positive, on the one I'd handed in. The idea was, I entitled it "A Valentine Poem" and then proceeded to write the most honest, sincere poem I could, of love and devotion... to a cup of coffee. That's me. Obviously you get to know people from their opetry and Reiby laughed a bit, saying he might've figured I'd go such an ironic/skewed route with my take on Valentine's Day. I smiled and said, "Well, that's how I feel." He noted it sounded more like dependance, and I gave a laughing grin and shrugged, saying "Isn't that the same as love?"

Anyway. I walked through the slush with my friend Jasmin to the station and got to Union basically on time, punching my ticket. I got on the train to find Ryan Lai waiting, which was nice since it's usually me waiting for him. It's just sort of taken for granted that we commute together on Wednesdays. So we sat and talked as usual, as the train keeps a'rollin', progressively less aware that there are plenty of people around us who can hear us. He calls his dad and secures himself a ride. Just as he's about to ask if he'd mind giving me a ride too I wave him off, even though it's been the trend for him to give me a ride home, which has been very nice. I ask to borrow his phone and call my dad to tell him I'll be in at 7:05. I got the call the other night that my glasses were ready to be picked up, so we were going to do that.

Sometime after Clarkson, just before 7:00, the train comes to an abrupt stop. Apparently there's a freight train stuck in front of us and a frozen switch. Sunuvabitch. So we get to talking, as we do, and over the course of the train's stasis, basically end up analyzing - or overanalyzing - all of our mutual friends' romantic lives for our own amusement. The train was stopped in place for about forty minutes. It was a pretty long conversation.

Eventually the train gets moving again. About 90 seconds later we pulled into Oakville station. We probably could have just pried the doors open and walked there in the time it took for the train tog et moving, but whatever. Dad was thankfully waiting patiently.

So we went to SuperStore, and as it happens I couldn't get my glasses, because the Optician had left by this point and I needed to get my eyes measured etc. So no glasses. Bleh, inconvenient.

I fell asleep on the couch in front of the TV. It has been pointed out I may bee suffering exhaustion. Possible, but it may just mostly be having to drag my ass out of bed every day.

I mean, I didn't really do anything much today, and maybe to my detriment. I have an essay due that I'm not really concerned enough about. I've read the pieces and now I need to write 500-750 words about them. It's hard to get motivated.

I blame it on February. If it weren't for reading week February would have zero redeeming qualities. I have had to hear about how it's Valentine's Day far too much. I wished a happy Valentine's Day to a random girl over a website.

We went to get my glasses again when I went grocery shopping. I was hungry - we had not yet picked up dinner - and a little iritable when they presented my glasses and said sadly "Did you specifically want the clip-ons?" Uh, yeah. The optician then lays on me this spurious, convoluted reason things have gotten problematic. Rather than spend a half hour trying on every damn pair of glasses they had, again, and asking "Will these do?" I told her to do whatever she needed to make the frames work. They'll be ready in like a week, but I suspect I'll get a call in a few days saying "Sorry we can't do it." Because that's the luck I've been having. No wonder I put this shit off for two or more years.

It doesn't need to be so hard. Does it?

I wanted to throw a fucking tantrum in there, but I let it out in little bitchy ways throughout the evening. It wasn't the best, but I'm just... you know, run-over these days. Fuck it all, man.

Well try to keep on rockin'
-Scott.