8:00 AM: She could hear the cars roll by that ole 441 like the waves crashin' on the beach

And for one desperate moment then, he crept back in her memory. God it's so painful for somethin' to be so close, but still so far out of reeeee-ee-eeeach....

I'd like to think my computer and I have an understanding tonight. She's co-operating pretty well, running swift, which is becoming rare and I hope I didn't just jinx it. We've been having kind of a tempestuous relationship lately. hell, it's an abusive relationship. She has all the power.

I say my computer's a "she." I once told someone my computer was female because of how difficult and treacherous it was. The girl I told that to didn't seem to appreciate the joke, but as I recall this was not long after she turned me down, so she must've at least seen where I was coming from.

I've also been known refer to Stella Artois as "the only woman who's never betrayed me." Wow man, I've got issues. But we all know that if I didn't have issues, I wouldn't write here and you four would be deprived of an evening's worth of entertainment/distraction. I mean seriously - what did you do when I wasn't updating recently? I can't imagine. I can't even imagine what I was doing - leading a boring life, mostly.

Despite that, I'm full of life these days, plenty of zeal. I'm gonna get loaded on caffeine and stay up 'til 2 writing tonight, because fuck, that's what we used to do.

The zeal is a little hard to account for, but there it is. I'm not usually so enthusiastic about life, but with my remaining few weeks of freedom, what choice have I got? I like the things I am doing with my time, I have space to myself with Eric working, my dog has been gracious enough not to crap on the floor in recent days (he compensates by asking to go out seemingly every hour between about 3 and 11, whether he does anything or not.) Without school to worry about, I do feel quite good.

Of course, the fact that I need to say that out loud (or at any rate, advertise it in text here) makes it seem like maybe I'm hiding something, trying to convince myself, or some such. Maybe. I mean, I've never lied here before, have I? Well, you probably wouldn't know if I did. The reality I create here is a pretty tightly-woven one and it usually sticks together pretty well. Whatever facts I care to obscure usually remain hidden.

And yeah, it still ain't perfect, but I'm dealin' with it. Whatever it is.

I've been reading LJSecret tonight. Postsecret too, but it's LJSecret I specifically want to address. It's something I used to read a lot when I was really good friends with Steph (sigh, Peaches, where you been lately?) Whereas the original PS is somewhat dignified and poetic, LJS is very down-and-dirty, a free-for-all of confessions. Anything that pops into peoples' heads, some of which are ridiculous and overly melodramatic. Sometimes there's some serious shocking stuff there, and then there's stuff that makes you think "You spend time making THAT secret?"

I guess it's just comforting to know what other peoples' problems are. Helps you get perspective. When someone has a big problem you think "I could be worse off." When someone has a minor problem you think "Hey, I've got that too and it's not so bad." It's just nice to be able to get into other peoples' minds.

Which, of course, is what brings all my readers back here night after night. Right?

We were having one of our typically insane conversations, about some topic generally not discussed in polite society. We were laughing our fool heads off and I told you, "You're going to miss this when you go back to school." Or maybe I said I would miss it, but the point was the same. In one of your typical, amazing displays of optimism you declared your intentions to come back frequently. I sense your sincerity but wonder whether in the end, if it'll have anything to do with me. (After all, everything's got to have to do with me. Right?) Much as it pains me, much as I'll fight it (and shit, I don't usually fight for things but I will) I won't be in your life much soon. And whether that bothers you (it does me) will be something I suppose you must face. But don't worry. That's what SWP is for.

A few weeks or months ago *(very difficult to gauge time) Manda said I needed to get out of this town. I couldn't agree more, sometimes. I wonder what would've happened if I'd applied to the Western or Queen's, somewhere I couldn't get to via train. Well, then I'd have the dilemma of being at Western or Queen's. I am sometimes at odds with my situation, but y'know... I like my life.

Oh yeah, all right, take it easy baby, make it last all night...

She was an American Girl.

Keep on rockin'
-Scott