101: My secrets would bore you

Tick tock, the sound of everlasting procrastination.

I can't believe I'm still here, at the wonderful Innis computer lab, at 4 PM. I got up at 9 this morning to catch the 10:30 train to Toronto because I figured - rightly - that if I was hanging around the house all day I wouldn't get any studying done of any kind. What I didn't count on was how difficult it would be to concentrate even here. I've said repeatedly and without contradiction that I'm really my own worst enemy.

I've browsed my history text book. That's the one that worires me the most. Interested as I am in the subject, I haven't been as engaged by it as I would be by English or Film. It's tomorrow and it consists of three essay questions, no options, answer 'em all. For prep we were given a sheet with eight potential questions. as it stands I have enough for maybe most of an essay on 5-6 of them, a vague idea of certain other ones, and not much clue how to begin on others. If I'd done worse on my paper in that class, I'd feel more intimidated. If I'd done better I'd feel more secure. Right now I just want it to be over. Sick of people going "You still have exams??"

Kinda tired of explaining myself in general, but it happens. Yesterday was a family gathering, cousin Ali's birthday. We actually saw Elizabeth and her kids, which is rare, but less rare this time of year. Apparently Elizabeth didn't know I was at U of T. There are a few factors that would contribute to this. One is that I have a habit of effacing my personal business with family members. One is that we don't see that side of the family all that often, and when we do I don't speak to her much. The other is that I probably assumed that it had gotten around to her anyway through the family grapevine. The other possibility, which I wouldn't discount, is that I may have mentioned it at some point and she forgot. Who knows? Doesn't matter. She pointed out that I was the only one of our generation to go to university, and only a couple of our aunts had been. Maybe just one, but I think two. It doesn't seem like much of an accomplishment.

It was one of the better gatherings, it always is when there are enough kids to play with each other and we don't need to constantly entertain them. It can also get kinda raucous because there's a bit of a personality clash between Cam/Ali and Madison/Aaron, because they're not always around each other. So that situation is ripe for kiddy-drama, especially when Madison tries to force her little brother to tie his balloon to his chair, and accidentally undoes it. Whoops.

Eventually, Elizabeth needed to take Madison and Aaron (and her mom was also there) home, but after that it was a cinch playing with Cam and Ali. They like going on dogwalks, which is considerably preferable to wrestling, which they also love.

Anyway. I'm here at Innis, my AmLit exam is at 7, I'm wondering what I'm gonna do about food. It's hard to think about at this point, I guess it'll be more relevant at 6:00 when I'd normally be eating anyway. I definitely don't want to starve during the exam - which thankfully is only a 2-hour affair - but it's not that unusual a thing for me to do. Working at HMV I used to mess around with my food schedule all the time, often not eating until I got home at the end of the night, because I'd get the 5-9:30 no-break shift. There was a time, the first time I worked there, that I began to really detest the basic human ritual of ingesting food. This was obviously a veryt crazy time for me when I was questioning things we ought to take for granted, like, you know, food.

It wasn't the act of eating, per se, but the act of selecting and enjoying meals. The whole process of finding something you like to eat that will give you what you need and not eating the same thing every day. I later learned to expand my horizons to the point where I no longer worry about such things. It's kinda pointless. you've just gotta accept, sometimes you must eat.

While the whole summer employment thing doesn't look likely, I do take solace in the fact that I'll be in school and thus busy all summer anyway. This will be very different from the last two where depression really set in. Besides, between the play, and the presence of friends who last year were in Europe, and tons of other stuff going on, I'm pretty well set this year. It looks good.

That said, I haven't given up on the job hunt. I never take it seriously over the summer because right now I know there's a job for me in the fall/winter, at least temporarily. Still, I will be going to the godforsaken job center this wednesday for the lousy job fair that always fails to impress. My opinion of them was set in stone the first time I handed in my resume and filled out their forms, and waited several months only to receive an e-mail asking whether I'd found a job yet.

But maybe things will be different.

So my AmLit exam. It's in a couple hours, and I feel like I know this stuff pretty well. Similarly to the history exam we were given preparation questions but of a different nature. We are to answer one question of four provided, and were given a sheet with six potential questions, so "prepare three," each drawing on two sources. I've got my three. Use of humour, female sexuality, and poetry as a subject of poetry. Those, ranked in order of preference.

Humour would be a good one to tackle, because of Lorrie Moore's "Canonical Babbling in Peed-Onk" (a story whose charm belies its seemingly-nonsensical title.) I'd like to write this up with Pat Parker's poetry, because of ridiculously similar themes, although it's hard to classify Parker's work as "laugh-out-loud" funny, it's very intense and provocative, and that makes for funny. Alternatively, I could ease in some Thomas King. Dang that guy gets ink in the University lecture halls. I wanna be that, but unfortunately I ain't no native.

Female sexuality would be an easy fallback, as one could easily draw parallels between Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and A Streetcar Named Desire. I mean come on, it's practically a pre-packaged deal. I could even work Parker in there if I wanted.

I'm hoping it doesn't come down to poetry as a subject of poetry because I know I'd end up writing about Ginsberg and as much as I love Ginsberg's work, I am still haunted by my epic fail of an essay. Anyway, I'd pair him up with some W.C. Williams, which sounds fair considering their association. The Red Wheelbarrow is an excellent meditation on modernist poetry. That, and it's just fun to say.

I guess I'll be going into this one as prepared as I am for anything. I know the material. I know what to say. If I'd done better on the paper I'd be more confident, but test-taking is different. I tried something different then, and it failed miserably, and I've learned my lesson.

I wish I could have a do-over, honestly, because this was a such a good course I did not do it justice with my mark. That's where the whole "summer school" thing becomes handy, because I've recognized the problem and am taking steps to fix it for once in my life. It shows actualy real personal growth. Awesome.

Well I've been typing this off and on for nearly an hour. Yeesh. I just want this exam to get underway. I don't even really know where it is. Somewhere on Spadina, at the edge of the realm.

I just wanna be done, so I can move on.

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto