03: Everyone is something, I'm something else

SWP: A highly effective abstinence aide?

Sometimes, spilling your guts to the internet is a good, cathartic thing. I don't know why I've been taking my shit so seriously lately, but if I had to internalize that nonsense I'd go crazy. And while it doesn't keep me from stewing over it for a while, having it out there - largely uncensored but not totally - allows me to at least push it out of my mind. It is my own failing that every bad thing means everything to me. My mind has a habit of exaggerating such things.

Oddly enough though, it wasn't SWP at all that has enabled me to come to terms with my recent frustrations. It was a couple of random girls on the TTC, whose conversation I happened to overhear, as they discussed a friend of theirs who "didn't know how to chill" or "realize it was only 2nd year." It's as true for me as it probably is for those girls' friend. Maybe I've just taken too much to heart the concept of synecdoche. Maybe I've problematized the entire idea of University education. Maybe these are university words with no proper application in the real world. a good hint is that they don't appear in the Firefox spellchecker.

Over the past few days I've been coming to grips with the fact that while I may make some valid points on certain topics, the thread running through this slew of essay failures (or at least, non-successes) is that I just can't seem to write my essays well. I think Toby may have penalized me too much for writing less formally, although he also said I "took forever to get around to" my ideas, which were sometimes good. I guess this is the hazard of figuring out your essay as you go. it must show more than I thought it did. My bad.

The main problem to me, is that so many of them came at once I had no time to really sit and think about them, my mind was always darting around between the topics. I've already figured out how to fix this for next year, so the best I can do is hope I don't fail (not likely, not quite impossible.)

Altogether, none of this really has much to do with my future career, assuming I succeed in the field of my choosing (fiction or even journalism.) University is seeming more and more like grad school training, where they teach you skills you can use if you go on to stay in school until you are 35. I'm not sure why having a University degree would mean more than having a diploma from Sheridan, but it still seems like it does. the world doesn't make sense to me. I'm writing a book about it. It's going to be great.

What does have to do with the world of writing, is the Hart House Review thing. Well, them's the breaks. I was at first pretty bitter, but eventually forced to look deeper into it and realize that, at least in the 2008 issue, there was some pretty good stuff, so maybe I'm not all that good. We'll see.

Then again, I think we all know what this is really about. The only thing anything is ever about is girls.

A few weeks ago, while browsing Craig's List for job postings (fool's errand that) I got bored and started looking at the personals. I found this one posting from a girl who was making some very bold proclamations of the kind of girlfriend she was capable of being, and what she was looking for didn't seem too far off from what I might be. So I figured "What the hell, I'm bored and lonely, why not give it a shot?" I've already told this story on here, and it ends with her never responding and me wondering whether she was maybe some kind of scam artist.

A while later, I'm despondent over some of my recent educational failings. And as often seems to happen when I get down on myself, I do something ridiculous and impulsive. not seeing the harm in it, I decided to post my own ad. In it, I spoke modestly of myself, saying it was hard to meet people when you commute from Oakville to Toronto (true) that I was into some geeky things but not necessarily looking for a girl who is into those same things, just understanding, and that I didn't have any physical type in mind (other that, hopefully, vaguely attractive.) I didn't really have much in the way of expectations, and figured the ad would be largely ignored by the women of Craig's List.

So a few women actually did contact me. The first one outlined how comparably bizarre she was by noting her fascination with Archie Comics and her business card collection. She identified herself as Christian (but stressed she wasn't really a Bible-thumper) and chaste, and hoped that wouldn't be a problem for me (well, it is, philosophically if not practically.) Also, she wouldn't tell me her real name or send a picture, lives in Scarborough, and is only 18. Still, I kept talking to her as long as I could manage. The conversation has died down and I haven't heard back in a few days. This is standard.

There was a second, who was into a lot of the same geeky things as me, but she goes to Guelph. Apparently these women are missing the part of the ad where I specify I'm looking for people in the (let's face it, broad,) scope of my daily travels. Even Ryerson wouldn't be out of the question.

The last girl is the prime example of this. See, she didn't contact me directly. One girl (Jude) contacted me saying I sounded like I'd be perfect for her friend, whom she describes in terms that sounded, well, perfect. Jude even goes to U of T, which made me get my hopes up. Lastly, the friend (Sam,) was really good-looking, so I'm starting to get really into this whole concept.

So of course, Sam lives in Markham and goes to York. Thanks for that one, Universe, I was almost happy.

"Keep it local," Julie urged me. She'd know. The entire foundation of our friendship is that we met on a dating site, but she lives in Niagara Falls, so when were we ever going to meet? She and I commiserated a while, while I conversed with these random girls until they lost interest (I owed it to myself to keep each line going no matter how uninterested I became, except for one who gave me little to work with.) She said I was overthinking it, which may be true. I defended myself, pointing out that they say that the minute you stop looking for someone you find them, except I wasn't really looking between 2006 and 2008 (admittedly I had my eyes open but was not on any sort of active search) and found bupkiss (except for one rather notable failure which was nobody's fault except maybe mine.) So now I'm doing the opposite. Maybe it stinks of desperation, but I think I'm past caring about that, given this entire story.

Then yesterday, there's this girl, at school of all places, the place where I supposedly have been having trouble meeting people. I should clarify. There are plenty of girls at school, and I talk to some of them. Between people like Jasmin and Claire, whom I met in poetry, and more passing acquaintances like Chelsea and Allison, whom I met in particular classes but fell away from, and Rosanna and Martina who have become quite good friends, yes, I do have something to work with. Except it's the same thing that happens every time, I get way too comfortable with them as friends and stop seeing potential there.

After my presentation a few weeks ago, this girl came up to me and we started talking. It was weird and nice. The next week, during her presentation, she sat adjacent to me, and we talked some more. This was the last week, in an unusual room, the seats in a circle. For whatever reason other people sat next to me *(who'd never sat near me, and as opposed to someplace else) and she sat further down the line. But afterward we got to talking again, about how this was the end of the semester, and hey, why don't we exchange contact info so we can meet up sometime? There was an element of platonic-ness (?) to it that obviously keeps me from getting my expectations up, but still, better than walking off into the distance.

Well, I just don't know what to think. Good, I suppose. I'm certainly seeing some potential, although I'll come back to it after I get back from North Bay this weekend. Funny how I went through all this stress of attempting to meet girls I couldn't, because I couldn't find one nearby, and now here we are.

Oh, and the epilogue to this entire thing is that I got home from school a few days ago and found that the first girl (whom I had totally written off as a scam) had added me on MSN. I haven't taken it upon myself to talk to her yet, wondering what exactly I'd say.

So there you go. You never know with these things (although I generally take it for granted I'm a lost cause.)

More later. I'm tired, and have class nowish.

Keep on rockin'
-Scott