G: Take a look, you know the way

I don't know where I'm at these days.

Yesterday was a stupid day, but perhaps that has its roots in Wednesday night. I got out of class early that night, and managed to catch the earlier train, although that involved some running. So I got home and, for the second time ever, watched Lost in its regularly scheduled timeslot. Late that night I had some meaningful conversations - one with an old friend, one with a new one.

The one with an old friend was due to it being her birthday. It's always a time for reflection. A few months from now I too will be 22. I don't know how I feel about it. I thought for a while that I'd just feel the way I did when I turned 21, which was plenty better than I did when I turned 20. I have my doubts. I have many doubts.

My other conversation was meaningful only in that it did not go so well through no fault of either me or the other person. I'm not sure she realized it went badly, but I was definitely left with an unpleasant taste. I've been talking to this girl... me and my everlasting quest - and she was telling me what she'd been up to, she went and saw a band, and she was really excited about that. I get it, I love certain bands, and when something like that happens for me I want to talk to lots of people about it. So I indulged her, even though I don't really like this particular band, and didn't know anyone actually did. She mentioned she'd gotten the group to sign her LP, which is pretty cool, but a bit of a conversational dead end. So the subject switches, the ways they sometimes do, to the topic of writing. She's a writer, I'm a writer, it's a pretty fertile conversational topic I figure. After whatever chit chat we made, I mention to her perhaps the best news I've had in a long while, which is that the EAS is doing Half-Past Eight PM in Hamilton this summer (although I did not describe it in such specific terms.)

In response to this news, which I consider to be the main good thing I've got going on lately, she said nothing. Rather, she asked me if I wanted to see a picture of her with her signed LP. I said sure, but I was really thinking, back to the drawing board. I mean, I can never write anyone off, and she's essentially a nice girl, but it kinda bothered me, she just said nothing about it, even congrats, as if I hadn't said anything or that the point wasn't important or interesting.

Maybe it's reasonable to think this is a good reason to lose interest. Maybe I'm too picky. Either way, the conversation has caused me to reflect a bit.

So all this lasted until 1 AM or so, which I rationalized as being okay since I didn't have class until noon the next day, so I tend to sleep later. The thing I forgot to take into account is that lately, I bragged to a friend who has been having sleeping problems (it makes me sound like a dick, but it was more in jest,) that I've been having some of the best sleeps of my life recently, and most days it's damn hard for me to get myself out of bed. So here's me, in bed, hearing my alarm go off an hour later than usual, rolling over and thinking "Oh, I've got time." And before you know it, it's 11:45. Yep, fifteen minutes before the class for which I was supposed to get on a train at 10:30. Go me.

What's worse is, it was a tutorial, which I'd missed last week too, so they've clearly noticed. I spent all day feeling like a stupid guilty mofo. My head's just been all over the place these past few weeks. I have no idea when I intend to do these next couple papers, I suck.

Oh yeah, and I had to go to Toronto anyway to get books from the library. Double-suck.

So that was basically what was stupid about yesterday. Eric came home later than night, and we got on as well as we usually do when he's only around a short period of time, which is quite well.

Hmph. And today wasn't much of anything to write home about anyway. Mostly it pertained to dog messes, more pointless classes, guilt and self-doubt... rethinking basically every paper I've already written and wondering if the next few will be any improvement, if I'm a prisoner of my own shortcomings, if self-improvement is really withing my capabilities.

I've just been feeling it all lately. All the angst, the guilt, the depression, the directionlessness, the futility, the frustration. All the anxieties anyone my age ever has, some nobody my age has, some I should've gotten over years ago, some that nobody ever has. I'm in a negative headspace lately and this is not conducive to the writing of papers.

I just feel so trapped in this worthless mode, this routine, this rut. And I'm stressing over these papers that in the long run mean almost nothing, but may signify a greater trend of ambiavlence toward my own destiny. It's a slippery slope.

Seems I'll find any reason to hate myself, some days.

So, you got problems?

I try to be sympathetic to the problems of others. I just feel guilty having to express how much more stressed out I feel like I am. not like it isn't my own doing.

There is something else that isn't my doing at all, of course.

I just found out my Granddad is sick. What is is and how bad, we don't know yet, but generally speaking, when peoples' grandparents fall ill, well, how many different outcomes are there?

We'll see.

I hope for the best. I'll be seeing him soon, and we'll know by then exactly what we're dealing with. Until then, strength.

Keep on rockin'
-Scott