Ten: The answer is in the question

It's been a very tiring week and I'm glad it's over. Except the immediate future doesn't promise to be all that relaxing, so thinking about how unrelaxed I'm going to be just makes me more tense and causes me to be unable to focus on things. Julie told me today I overthink things. This is not inaccurate.

I was sitting in the lecture hall before class Wednesday night, eating my sandwich as usual, when it occurred to me I'd hardly said anything out loud at all that entire day. My friend Claire didn't show up for Shakespeare and I just got into this pattern of... quietness. I spent a long period between classes studying for my history midterm, noting down dotjots about various figures and events noted on the study sheet. I'm really bad at studying, but mostly because I tend not to take courses where studying is all that important. History is the exception there. Last year, when I took philosophy (still not sure why I did that) I studied my ass off for the final and nailed it. History remains to be seen. (That sentence goes in the "great possible album titles" folder.)

Anyway, I had been mute all day sitting in class waiting for American Lit to begin. The usual gang came in and sat behind me and started talking. I have a bad habit of eavesdropping, because I'm always right there and they just go on the way friends do - this is a guy and two girls. So, the guy starts going on about this guy he knew who went out and bought a Clash t-shirt, and the guy doesn't know much about that band, so he engaged this friend in conversation, asking "What's your favourite Clash song?" And the friend was just like "Oh I don't know, I jsut like the colour." And the guy went off for a while about how lame it is to wear a shirt for a band you don't really like. And I agree. I own exactly one band tee, The Clash London Calling, and it's because I love that album (everybody should.) I remember wearing that around White Oaks once, and Beth, who tried to harass me as often as she could, asked me what my favourite Clash song was. I paused for a moment and said "Um, I guess Death or Glory. Maybe Clampdown." This elicited no response off her.

Anyway, I happened to be wearing the Clash shirt under my overshirt that day, so I thought it would be funny to unbutton my shirt and leave the room and come back in and see if they noticed, but... well, the moment never arose.

Anyway. We were talking about Frank O'Hara, and we wound up doing some group work, so I actually interacted with these folks a fair bit, talking about the poem "A Step Away From Them." Who knows if they'll acknowledge me next week (or if I'll acknowledge them? It's a two-way street.) but at least it broke my streak of silence, because I got oddly animated during that discussion.

I was exhausted when I got home that night. And in trouble. My Midterm was the next day and frankly my studying was bollocks. So I made the somewhat foolish decision to get up early (only about a half hour later than my usual time) to kick around the Pratt Library studying for about an hour before my tutorial - sacrificing sleep for study-time. In fact, skipping the tutorial was on the table at one point, but by the time that was due to begin, I felt I had covered all my bases, and plus, I didn't want to miss the chance to talk about Maus.

The midterm was daunting but I had covered enough bases that I breezed the multiple choice portion (which was a blessing in and of itself. I probably got 7/10 at least,) and then the essay question was a kind of general question about Hitler and race and everything. Pretty big topic there, although at the end I still had like 5 minutes left so I dropped in their weird anecdote from Film History about Fritz Lang meeting Josef Goebbels... I'm worried I might lose points for getting somewhat off topic but in my sleep-deprived brain, and I stand by this, it seemed like a nice touch.

Today I slept in again. My bed is suddenly super-comfy and super-inviting these days, it's agonizing to have to leave it. This morning was rainy and dull and I just wanted to lie there forever in a half a dream. But no, I stepped out into the gray, wet world, like usual. It was an uninteresting day. Some presentations in Shakespeare, usual lecture in Can Lit. and by the time it was done, the sky had cleared up and it was nice, if a little windy.

Again, I find myself needing to get my priorities straight and find myself some motivation. Some days I think I just suck. Some days I think I don't give myself enough credit.

Tonight I dunno what to think.

More stuff to go over later. Keep on rockin'
-Scott