G: A place for thinking

I'm thinking about growing a mustache. It would make me look so amazingly smug. Nobody wears mustaches anymore, it'd be a gag. People would see me and wonder "What is that guy's deal?"

We've all had those days where you get home, flop down, and sigh, "It's been such a day." It's just a little more noticeable that your usual day-end fatigue. Usual day-end fatigue, I used to get in high school, and I'd come home and Eric would do one of the many things he used to annoy me with -- to my astonishment and delight I can no longer remember exactly what they were -- and when I'd snap at him he'd assume I'd had one of those days. Of course, this was back when he was a drop-out, so he didn't remember how exhausting simply being up and out in the world could be. He probably has a better understanding of where I was coming from now.

It's weird to think it will never be like that again. I don't know about anyone else, but part of me always expects the past to be the future. "When Eric comes back." "The next time I'm in high school." "When I'm in kindergarten again." Weird. Sometimes my mind uses the past too literally as a framework for the future.

I've digressed a lot already. My original point is that every day so far this week has felt like that. I've felt really down about a lot of things -- little things, things you'd think wouldn't bother me, things that shouldn't seem so bad. My place in life, the future, abstract shit like that. I'm a worrier. I'm a very nonchalant guy a lot of the time, but also a worrier, and when that shit gets unleashed, well, just ask Manda. Actually don't. It's embarrassing. She has one really good story about me from a time at Sheridan when I was super-stressed. I expressed it a lot more back then, nowadays I mainly internalize it. I'm not sure if that means I'm actually feeling it less, it's hard to tell because it's all in my mind and I can't really trust a lot of what goes on in there anyway.

Anyway. I could mope a lot about all the things that are bringing me down. And believe me, I want to, and I would be within my rights because this is SWP after all. But I'm a just really tired. Tired of thinking about it. I unleashed a lot of it on Julie. She seemed sympathetic, and that's all I wanted anyway. I guess I wasn't looking for a solution. Per se.

I'm just a very internal person. It's hard to draw me out. Someone recently suggested I join a club or get involved with activities at school, and I could, but the idea doesn't super-appeal to me for some reason, probably because, given my situation, I just view it as a hassle.

I have this friend. Ever since I knew her, it seemed like she was searching for something. That one thing that would complete her life. She went through mercurial phases of interests and hobbies but always seemed very restless. A few years ago, she found her thing. I know, or at least I believe so, because she has been with it for several years, it is the main structure of her social life, and whenever she talks about it she gets this very profound fondness in her voice.

I have my projects. They don't get me out of the house much, although there was Half-Past, which still didn't get me out of the house as much as I'd have liked it to. For the most part I like doing my things. Doing new things will take away from that. But at least it will get me out of the house and meeting new people.

Internal conflictz0rz.

Really, what it comes down to is what I've been saying all along, that my greatest enemy in life is myself. My over-analytical, skeptical, unable to seek self-enjoyment, overly practical and pragmatic self.

And of course, at the end of the day, it's really just a sex thing anyway.

Keep on rockin'
-Scott