5:00 AM: This is not even true

They say familiarity breeds contempt, and generally speaking there's nobody with whom I'm more familiar than myself.

It's hard trying to keep things in perspective and to occasionally reconstruct the universe as a place devoted to my own loneliness. I'm pretty self-obsessed, but I know the errors of self-obsession, which is where I get my rather overdeveloped (some would say) sense of self-deprecation/self-effacement. Don't want anyone to know I care about anything, feel bad about anything, think too hard about how lonely I am. Not that these things are necessarily secrets.

But as sad, as pathetically lonely as that paragraph sounds, you know I'm in a good mood because I'm actually talking about it. When I was feeling particularly bad early last week, I tried to put some shit down in words, but felt embarrassed by how raw of obvious the feelings felt. It's one thing to feel something, it's an entirely other one to put it down in words and have it not seem extremely silly.

We had a family gathering last night and my aunt recalled a story from her childhood where a neighbour lady had an affair with a young girl who must've been 16 or 17. It was shocking but nobody did anything, because in those days you didn't do things. You didn't call the cops or start a neighbourhood campaign or do an investigation or whatever, you did nothing. You found out about it and then you tried not to look the neighbour lady in the eye ever again, you said nothing. And she mused that it's funny how far things have come, yet become much more complicated and painful to deal with, now that we talk about things. Your mileage may vary on which is better.

Several shards of stories exist in my head and I don't know how to begin. Presumably with fingers tapping keys. Asdf.

I'm not in much of a state to be writing tonight anyhow, since my brain is pudding. It was to be a day off, but at 8:30 I got the sound of a buzzing cell phone, which indicated somebody wanted me to take a shift. That was Chantelle, who was feeling ill. So I did it, because if not me, then who? Nobody left but me. Luckily the hiring process has begun.

Basically, I don't know what I'm saying or why I even said it.

Keep on rockin
-Scotto