7:00 AM: You've got to find yourself some pants

Originally this was a somewhat frustrated post. I wrote it after getting off from a rather frustrating day of work and I needed to vent, but as is often the case I didn't really know what I needed to vent about. But I haven't written in here in so long, and I was ruminating on the reasons for that. Chasing my tail of angst at the world and general self-loathing.

I lost it -- the post -- because I was stupid and logged out of Blogger when I was in the midst of writing it. It rarely happens, and now it feels like this little bit of frustration I had released as snapped back into me. You wouldn't think that it'd matter. You'd think, you know, as long as you put your problems in a balloon and let it float away, it's all the same. I write the post, it doesn't get posted, same effect as if it did, right? Yet somehow, it's not enough for the post to vanish. I need it out there, I need it on the record. It's why I never felt I was accomplishing with say, a personal journal (read: diary) the level of therapy this blog provides. So any time I get self-conscious about the fact that whatever amount of my life is just out there for the whole damn internet to stumble upon (I doubt they will. Mostly random Asians, if the hit tracker is any indication) I just remember it's better than keeping that shit bottled up: whatever needs to stay private, stays private.

Pertinent parts of the lost post:

My brother's back in town, and it's stressful to constantly have someone around.

Last weekend we went to Palmerston for a family gathering (read: my birthday) and saw my cousin for the first time in a couple years. We picked up where we usually do with the same topics and jokes as always and before long we were talking about possible new stories, which might never come to fruition.

At this gathering, he brought his family, including his stepdaughters. The older one's getting to that awkward preteen/tween/early teen age where she's too young for most of the room and too old for the kids. She looked bored and annoyed the entire time. Which admittedly, is unfortunate, but at least she's mellowed out. Hopefully, like many teens, she manages to come out the other side and be sociable.

Obsessively wiping my nose.

A few nights ago, a dream about a girl. Not a particular girl, just a feeling of one. I felt close to her, but there was something keeping us apart. It was weirdly affecting, because in the dream, whatever it was, it worked.

Which is how I guess I know it's a dream.

(D'AWWWWWWWWWWWW) okay thanks for listening. Thanks for being here. Even if you're not really here. Wherever you are. Keep on rockin'
-Scotto