12: Ideal

It physically hurt to be told I wasn't getting the IA role. I can't say it came as a complete shock because I was wracked with self doubt for three weeks after the interview anyway. But being told "no," or at least "not this time" is going to sting.

I had had my second interview on Friday, with Penny, and I was feeling optimistic, knowing I had done my best and put my best foot forward. I had prepared for a possible rejection the same way I had when I was up for Optimization, which is that I kept thinking about how I had done my best (and while this may not have been the case for Interview 1 it felt that way for Interview 2) and if they didn't want me there was nothing I could do. Penny told me I would hear back early the following week and that no matter what, Friday would not be my last day.

On Tuesday, Murray was back albeit clearly jet lagged. In the afternoon he grabbed me for "10 minutes" that turned out to be like 30. He started in with bad news/good news.

Intellectually, it was not hard to understand what had happened - I fact the day before, I had spoken with Isiah who touted the belief that, "Unless Jesus comes down to interview, you've got it." Well, I hope everyone at home office is ready to meet Jesus. I mean, I honestly think I am a very good candidate - and I don't think Murray had any reason to lie when he said they nearly went with me - but I was up against someone with 2 years experience in "the same role" elsewhere, who is ready to jump in and is apparently brimming with ideas on how to evolve the role. Now, I wish my first interview had taken more of a tone inquiring whether *I* had any ideas on evolving the role, but whatever.

So I'm a skosh bitter but also understanding. Murray then proceeded to present me with an alternative opportunity, to work in an Analyst capacity for the four reno stores through the Quarter, meaning my term would be up January 12. He sold me on it based on the premise that this was a high profile project with lots of potential to prove myself and get in front of the right people with visible success... Get this right and the world's gonna know your name.

He did emphasize that, although the mysterious "moving parts" were always in play, there was certainly less guarantee than ever that a job or an extension would be waiting for me at the end of this.

Agreeing to it was an obvious choice but I wouldn't say it wasn't hard. Like I said, I was reeling, shook, and after the meeting feeling extreme physical duress. Logically I understood everythog that was happening but I struggled to compartmentalize that against my disappointment, hurt and frustration at losing out on my bid for stability, and having to prove myself more, even if I frankly do need to do that. It was hard to take the compliment that they still want me enough to essentially invent a role for me, even if only for a short term.

I took the contract and resolved to sit on it for a day, even though time was not on my side.

That night, Ibrahim was in town, so he, Tony, Rachael and I went to Spin for Ping Pong. I gave them my news, highlighting my uncertain feelings, but we toasted anyway.

After Tony left for the Gord Downie tribute, we kept less scrupulous track of score and had a looser, more casual time. Then after a bulk barn run for Ibrahim we went to a pub called Gabby's, where Rachael got a plate of gluten-free ribs, Ibrahim got a salad and I got a steam sandwich I wasn't necessarily in the mood for. Mel joined us and we walked back to Union with Rachael. On the train, I told her about the job.

The next day was the big Holiday Summit and to be frank I was not feeling very positive on the company to be spending 8 hours sitting still hearing about all the great things in store. But I was also aware of being a baby who was far-too-seriously consindering taking his ball and going home, and I'm aware there's a note of that in this story as well. To feel so personally wounded that you would sabotage - torch?? - your future, with no prospects and no leverage. If I went back to the store, how could I ever attempt to come back, having turned down a perfectly viable opportunity to show myself? And if I couldn't even leverage my summer of experience into a permanent IA role at this time, how could I ever hope to fimd a new job elsewhere as an unknown quantity?

As if on pathetic fallacy, in sympathy and obvious symbolism for my emotional state, I began the day at the summit alone and isolated. I sat on the left bank of the auditorium, clear across from everyone I knew, who were filling the booth on the right bank. They saw me, and waved, and I could not join them.

I was also seen by Sandy, who texted me. I made a point to catch up with her whenever I could see her at break, to give her the update on my options.

The morning felt long, marked by Jeremy's usual song and dance and Heather relating the story of Indigo in more detail than any of us had ever heard (and indeed more than she was supposed to, going over her alotted time by a half hour or so, but she's Heather.) During the breaks I latched onto people I knew but also felt strangely aside. I think, perhaps sensing my alienation, or maybe regretting there wasn't more he could do for my cause, or hell just because he considers me a friend, Murray made a special effort to stand by me when possible. (Maria, who represented 50% of the call to not hire me, did not make much effort to speak to me... Draw your own conclusions.)

After break - half-sandwiches, fruit and some excellent coffee - I was waved over to the right hand side by Murray and Rachael, where several seats had now been vacated by, I guess, people who felt they needed to go do work. I sat next to Isiah, near Victoria and Yosra. The afternoon had some fun stuff and lots of familiar faces from my floor giving the lowdown on upcoming strategies, as well as some interviews with the likes of Jann Arden, Doug Gilmour, and Humble the Poet.

Thursday, feeling somewhat pumchy, I decided to take some time around lunch to DL some writing on a story that has been king around my head for years and recently resurfaced. There are still times I entertain notions of writing my way out.

I ended up signing the contract Thursday and scheduling a meeting Friday with Murray to discuss the parameters of the role. After that meeting, an impromptu inventory team meeting was called to announce my new role and some other role changes, including who got the AA role but not the IA one. (I applied for the AA role and felt I could perform it ably based on my new skillset, but was only somewhat interested and strangely wasn't seriously considered.) The rest of the day, after spending lunch losing a Hogwarts Battle now that Carol is back from her honeymoon, I fielded congrats and well-wishes and did my best to seem enthusiastic about the role, emphasizing that it will present some interesting challenges and s great upside... All of which is true but doesn't dent the fact that I signed a paper only guaranteeing employment through January 12.

Still, I intend to so the best with what I've got. It's my own choice. No surrender, no retreat.

Last night was Joe and Viki's Halloween party. We went as Gomez and Morticia, a costume we came up with while browsing Value Village, and it was a pretty big success, except my mustache kept peeling off and flapping, and it was hard to eat with. (I opted to shave and glue a fake on because I wanted it to be more costimey, and didn't want to be stuck with a mustache.. Although Movember is almost here...)

It was a nice night, we hung with our clatch of people, until the party merged and we played Heads Up until deciding around midnight it was time to head out... We thought about crashing but it was getting late and the house was not SK far as we feared.

That long summary is all for now. Rest assured there's more to come
 Keep on rockin'
  - Scotto