16th: Was it my mistake?

I'm feeling reflective lately, going through my rolodex of lives. I should celebrate this one right now, where I've got my own house and a wife who loves me and a good, if not necessarily great, job that I don't dis-enjoy. I've got some time to write, although it sometimes leads me to a crisis. I've got stability, and lots of coffee and I don't have to get out of bed until 8:45 every morning.

What's not to like about the here and now?

Some nights, like last night, I go to bed feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I just want the day to be done and have my fresh start tomorrow. I don't know why I feel so shittily. 

I was just reading some old posts from early 2018. There was something so nice about freefalling into life then. I was starting this job, Mel and I had just moved into the apartment, we were free to roam the city, we were away from our families, we had our own little lives (although we were back in Oakville constantly.) I don't know that I knew or appreciated it then but life was very exciting and strange. Yeah, there were downsides -- I was hugely insecure at work, and there were always routines and stresses of living with someone. But for a long period it was a status quo that worked. But you know, we had roughly two years like that and it was beyond time to end it in fall 2020 when we moved. 

By comparison, the suburbs are not a vibrant, engaging place. It has its challenges -- housework, errands, being close to family again. Constant renos, furniture-buying and other expenses. Figuring out what to watch on TV at night. Lately, Mel is really into Sex and the City. I could do without, personally but I humor her. I wonder if she would return the favour and let me take her through Doctor Who? (I doubt it.)

Weeks go by and by and by, but that was always true no matter where you are or how you live. I'm sleeping better than I used to even if I don't sleep well most nights (I usually wake up partway through the night needing to take a TUMS or an allergy pill or both, and then there's the crowding issue.) 

Every morning Mel's alarm goes off around 8 and then mine goes off about 10 minutes later and then I snooze until 8:25 or 8:35. Then I read on my phone for way too long (wrestling blog or Nathan Rabin or TimeHop or memes on Facebook) before grabbing a shower. Until recently I was skipping morning showers in favor of waiting for noon but I decided to make an effort to getting back to structuring my day once Mel got into the swing of things at work. This particular week Mel is on California time so she's working from 11-8. Anyway, under normal circumstances I work and work and do whatever at my desk downstairs from 9(:20)-noon or so, then we eat together, then I go back to doing (whatever I guess?) until 5. I make a faint attempt to clean and make dinner, or more likely just make dinner and increase the amount of mess. I like to play music while I clean and cook. Mel, if she's down, prefers to watch TV. There's no right answer. We eat dinner on the couch, even if it's soup, all of our clothes get dirty. We're getting Mel's parents' old table soon (to replace Nonna's old table) and we are going to try to make an effort to eat at the table more frequently. Which will help decrease the crumbs on the couch.

Big, if true.

Weekend mornings I write, and I moan about not having enough time to write, and lately there's a lot to do with out free time. This past weekend we went out trying to get Mel a coat. We didn't find one in her size and she ended up ordering one online. We also, before that, dropped off 7 massive trash bags of donate clothes to Value Village. We looked there for a coat, too, but no go. Did find a ceramic sloth though. That was after the day we spent with Papa H. This is an unusually quick turnaround time for posts on this blog. Don't get used to it, although I am feeling that much more reflective lately.

Now I'm going to go put some laundry on and take advantage of my last hours of "California Mel" to do some writing before it's time to start making dinner. It was going to be tortellini soup but now it's perogies. Mel never wants whatever it was we planned to have. Do you know how many times I had to reschedule fish night?

This is life, as we live it.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto