Five-and-Thirty: Tired tiered nightmare

A quick one this morning because I don't have a lot of time, which is unfortunate because it's been a while and although not a lot has happened I feel like I have a lot of thoughts.

I was intending to write a post about my wife. She's had a rough go lately. She had extreme stress from her work, which led to her giving notice, but she's not very good at being idle. Especially because I have to work but also keep her company at certain points during the day. And she's also not really on a regular schedule right now. Things are a little chaotic, and for various reasons she has quite a few appointments lately and the way doctors are she keeps getting more and more things prescribed to her and it's becoming A Lot. I wanted to take a moment and think about how she's got so much on her and I wish I could do more.

But then I thought... hey, I do do a lot. I'm no absentee, I show up, I take on as much as I can. Yes, she faces things that are hard. Things that are different from anything I have to do that could be considered hard. She has her own demons to slay in life and I'm with her for that. But man do I do a lot. So now, oddly enough, I wanted to take a moment to celebrate me.

Which may not seem like a novel concept since this is my blog, but if you've been here you know that a lot of what I do is just shit on myself.

(Something prompted me to open a new window because I was going to check/look up something but I got distracted and forgot what that was going to be. Hope I can remember.)

I stretch myself thin. I work, I cook, I do laundry and dishes -- maybe not as often as an adult ought to but consider I am the only one doing those things for much of the time. I sweep. I provide a sounding board to her on things. This isn't to crap on her or minimize her, it's to build myself up. At work I have a lot going on as we are in the thick of the holiday season and I haven't even felt focused enough to be stressed which is either a good thing or a bad thing I truly don't know. I'm trying to be something more than what I am there because I feel inherent shame (which my managers want me to know is not concerted pressure but sure feels like it) about the fact that I am still doing the same job after five years and others have taken opportunities for advancement that have, shall we say, missed me.

I try to write. There's less time for that lately, being that it's the holidays and there's a lot of things going on especially during what would ordinarily be my writing time -- and there's shame over the fact that writing time could theoretically be used toward things that are more "productive" like those chores, but if I didn't at least try to write I think I'd wonder what it was all for. Problem is my attention is a little divided lately. I did a lot during my week off but not so much since; what I was working on that week, I think needs a lot of revising and I don't know when it can happen. I have also started trying to adapt my X-Men blog into a book, which is a huge project. We'll see. I'm still peddling the wares I have, to diminishing returns as expected, although I certainly kept that plate spinning longer than I thought with no new output since April.

(I remembered the thing.)

I'm wiped a lot of the time. I conk out on the couch around 11 while we watch vintage Unsolved Mysteries (Robert Stack's voice is soooo fuckin' soothing! Now I know why my brothers used to leave it on all the time at night.) 

This holiday could potentially feel rough for me. I'm very behind on just being an alive person. The backyard needs tending, the garage needs to be cleaned. Etc etc.

October went by. I got over my COVID. Halloween happened. We got 16 kids total, we watched Hocus Pocus 2 and the Disney Channel TV movie "Mom's Got a Date With a Vampire." Not a bad night.

Mel got us on this new meal plan. She bristles at calling it a "diet" and I prefer to think of it as a very expensive and elaborate Good Food type of situation, where we have to do the grocery shopping.

Sorry, I'm going to have to cut it there but I'm going to pick it up with the next one.

Keep on rockin' 

Scotto