Two-and-Thirty: Crept

It's just a little after midnight on October 1, and I have slipped out of bed to write this. "This," of course, is anything, any kind of distraction from the "bad thoughts" that are keeping me up. I don't mean to be dramatic of course, I just have some unresolved issues. As I lay my head to sleep, my brain was overloaded with negative thinking about where I am at work, relative to others, and how I've found dead ends over and over and my usual unresolved ambivalence toward even advancing at a job (I don't know that I want to, yet I know that I don't want to seem like I don't want to. And if I pursue it in fear of the latter, then to quote David Byrne, watch out, you might get what you're after.)

The thoughts circle my head and I am very awake for them, and I hope me getting out of bed didn't disturb Mel from getting to sleep. Whenever I think I am going to leave the bed I always wait to hear the change in her breath that makes it sound like she's asleep. I think it's a strategy that works because she's never brought it up and in fact when I have discussed it she's seemed surprised that I do it as often as I do -- which is maybe once per week on average, maybe less.

I was actually going to do something else (because I suppose writing a blog here would involve ruminating on those usual negative thoughts) but I am here and started now.

It was a busy week. Some stuff fell on my plate late last week -- a big time event with a prominent radio host whose book just came out -- that resulted in a logistical nightmare, but if I'm being honest it's nothing I can't handle. Honestly, it was the kind of misery that makes me feel good, because I get to look good for taking care of it, and I get to complain and make jokes to my fellows, and it makes me feel competent and vital. Win-win-win. After five long years at this job I ought to be able to handle most of what gets thrown my way, and if anything I'm too good at it. I just don't know what else I can do.

I'm trying to be more vocal. I'm insinuating myself into situations more and taking action and leading by example. I'm probably still not the idea-generator they would loooove me to be but I'm pitching in where I can and I'm making a fair show at growing and improving. From my perspective there will always be gaps in my game but other people don't always see gaps.

Ugh, I'm fixating, this is not what I'd hoped to do here.

So work was what it was for me, and I found that things were getting so heavy all around I proposed we IAs have a drink sesh after work today, which went well, although I will admit with eight or 9 people on a call not all being able to speak at once, people who have been around less time won't feel as welcome. Oh well oh well.

This was Mel's last week at her current job. It was busy and full but it finally ended. This past weekend she had to put in two full days -- actually long, 10-hour days -- leaving me to my own devices (writing and watching Saturday Morning All Star Hits, mostly.) It's hard to believe it happened but it's here and it's done and it's for the best. I gave her a celebration by ordering The Keg for us tonight. Then we settled in and watched Top Gun Maverick, a movie Mel has been dying to see forever.

Me, I'll admit, I'm not as on top of things as I sometimes am. The kitchen is a mess, we're not planning meals, it's just a bit of chaos and living moment-to-moment lately. I wonder if a change in Mel's routine might spur me/us to clean up the act, but who knows.

This is, if I'm being honest, an uninspired and disappointing post considering the weight of the moment. I really should have written that other thing. There's still time. We're seeing mom tomorrow, Nonna and the fam on Sunday, and Dad next week for his birthday (and presumably Thanksgiving.) Lots going on. Then I have a vacation lined up. We were going to try to get away, but the plans fell through on multiple fronts (logistical, cost, opportunity) and we admitted it wasn't going to happen so I got my staycation much, I'm sure, to Mel's chagrin. We do, however, have tentative plans to finally make a getaway in the new year, stay tuned.

Honestly, that's it. They can't all be winners. But I insist I am happy with life overall. Earlier tonight as she was falling asleep, Mel said "I love you" (we say this a lot) and I said it back, and then she randomly said "We love each other" and I kind of laughed because it was a cute and random thing to say. We've been together 7 years, nearly 8, married for nearly 3, and we're still nuts about each other. Tell me that isn't adorable. How can life be bad when I've got that in it?

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto