Four-and-Twenty: The Comeback Trial (sp)

Look how many posts so far this month. Who am I?

I don't know the answer to that for sure but I do know where I am... in the Starbucks at the Burlington Mall Indigo, writing this on my phone. Man, remember when I would go everywhere with my tablet for just such occasion? Although to be fair I am only not using it anymore because it stopped working. Still, there's something delightfully inconspicuous about keeping your head down on your phone. I could be doing anything. I could be tweeting.

A really long thread.

So, if yesterday wasn't already such a debacle to start with, partway through I got a meeting put in my calendar called "Touch base" with the directors with whom I had interviewed a few weeks ago for the buyer job. If you go reread the relevant post you'll see that I felt good about it, but uncertain about whether it was a match -- whether I wanted the job and whetger the job wanted me. Still, I said that knowing I did my best I would be able to accept the result no matter what, and that was my thinking going into the call, even as my breath shook with uncertainty.

They were extremely complimentary to my interview, enjoying my thoughts and clarity of communication, and really quige effusively noting how many of my points had resonated. Alas, my reputation for being a quiet sort worked against me since it had them wondering "Where did that come from?" I offered my thoughts on how hard it is to break out of one's box (even if such things are nominally encouraged, it hasn't taken for me.) Whether that was the, or a, reason why I was not put forward, I can't say exactly, but it did take up the majority of the conversation, along with those usual earnest offers to help me keep developing. Category Managers, after all, are managers. Gotta be bold, gotta be bad, gotta be wiser.

It's nice to be thought of, and I truly believe they mean it when they say they want to get me there, but I don't know if I can initiate a massive seachange in my entire personality at 35 just to chase some possibly nonexistent job, without the massive catalyst of actually getting said job. I really do appreciate their support but after processing, it's got me wondering what's next, because this feels like as far as I can go in the corporate world and some days I'm ready to throw in the towel on the whole thing. The carrot on the stick, the promise that if you treat your current job like an interview for your next one, maybe you'll luck out.

Maybe I sound overly bitter, and maybe that's not totally fair, but these thoughts come and go. Eyes open -- which I had when I made my earlier statement -- I do not think they really want a zen buddhist anticapitalist in this role, no matter how capable he is at seeming to be The Guy. They want the money shark, the innovation-chaser, the shoot first, ask questions later person. Maybe. Or something in the middle. The fact that I got as close as I did is remarkable, but I can see I'm not The Guy. I get it. And I agree. It would be something to do, but not what I want to do.

Now I just need to, you know, do what I want to do. And my resolve to do that is increasing, but I still worry that it tops out just below the minimum amount necessary to get It done.

There's also, and let's not downplay this, someone they said who was ready to come in and do the job Day One. (Fun, that was the same reason they didn't initially hire me to be an IA.) It kind of puts the lie to the idea that the company supports growth but I suppose they can at least say they tried (and I get it, I'm not the ideal test scenario for that.)

If my words on it are a little acerbic, I want to reiterate they were more than fair with me. I think deep down I don't push myself because I don't Want It the way you're supposed to. I'm not lazy (that much) I wrote a 25,000 word novella in 3 weeks because I was driven to do that. I just need proper inspiration to access my drive. And work, such as it exists, is not that.

So, I exist.

I thanked them for their consideration and said they'd hear more from me, although I really don't know that that's true. I'm still me, and my body is a cage, and if we're being perfectly honest that cage contains a smaller cage of my mind, and whatever can be said to be Me in inside of that.

After work, Mel and I grabbed dinner at Boston Pizza and I processed it a bit with her. We were both dead tired from work and slogged home on a hot traon next to some rowdy (but relatively innocent) teens.

Today was a big day. After seeing Mel off and working for a bit, I was finally able to end my vow of chastity. I have to say I felt I had gotten over a hump with it, but it was still a restless night and I'm glad to be done. It was an interesting experience, they have a little dedicated room with a comfy chair covered in butcher paper, and a little plastic card with the wifi password on it. I perused some of my favourite sources of inspiration but when it comes down to it, my favourite source is my own imagination. I had cannily brought my little sketchbook and a pencil and eraser to do some doodles that expressed, to me, the kinds of narrative I like, and then it was just a matter of aiming.

After that, I hadn't realized I was supposed to give a blood and urine sample. Blood, I had brought plenty of, but I had deliberately emptied my bladder earlier (due to competing mandates.) I went home, pounded another coffee, and raced back in time to drop the cup off before the 12:00ish deadline. Phew.

Busy morning, and that along with my complex Feelings led me to forgive myself for dogging it a bit at work (as opposed to the usual, which is usually just a matter of shrugging it off -- man, their decision looks better and better, or else I just live down to my station.)

I took it easy in the afternoon, and now am here, waiting to go pick Mel up from the train, whenever she gets in.

From what I can tell she has not yet boarded a train as of 5:44. As it ever was.

So yeah, that's all that and I have serious cause to contemplate my next moves. I hope I haven't seemed too bitter. Bitterness just happens to be one flavour I am feeling right now. I'm letting it out as a matter of being pragmatic about the situation. Feel my feelings. I have lots to buoy me these days.

In the meantime I will do what I can do be happy. That means another frapp, even though I'm dropping way way way too much on them. It's summer!

Keep on rockin'

Scotto