5:36 AM: The Return to Earth

I don't know what's wrong with me and why I get so skittish about some of these meetings I'm supposed to be taking, about sending out inquiry emails for something I openly claim to want. I'm scared, obviously, of anything big, even if I do want it, and I feel paralyzed. As if inaction will somehow protect me.

It's kinda funny, you know. I get anxiety. I get nerves, I get panic, but it's such a smaller scale and level than what Mel gets that it almost feels unfair to acknowledge it as a real thing. And I mean, my intention is to fight my way through it, so maybe it isn't a real thing, but it sure feels real. It's not like, on a conscious level, I have any doubts about the direction of my life, but there's always that part of me that goes... freeze. Don't make any false moves. You're safe now and but if you budge, you won't be.

I'm also thinking, sheesh... this blog really reveals that, as much as things tend to change, year after year, I'm still the person who started it nearly two decades ago. 

There's no point in hesitating. I need to take the plunge.

Ahem, ahem, but enough vaguetalk.

As mentioned, I was feeling really good leading up to Mel's birthday, which historically has been a stressful time for me. And there's a reason for that: there's a lot of pressure on me (intentionally or not) to make it a good, memorable, special day. 

I thought I had everything teed up, but my haplessness showed itself. When I talk about my haplessness, I mean this strange sense of failing spot checks and preparing fine details that ought to have, and also running into unforeseen problems that seem way outside of likelihood. It makes it seem both like I am the problem and like I'm not the problem, which is kind of the truth as far as I see it. 

I had planned to get out early in the morning, after setting up Mel's birthday pie (Jello x Cool Whip in an Oreo crust) to pick up some flowers and a helium balloon. What ended up happening was that, completely randomly, that morning, the arborist came by to feed some trees into a wood chipper that was parked immediately outside my driveway. So I was boxed in for at least an hour and completely lost my advantage. By the time they left, Mel was awake and ready to start the day. Now, luckily, she was keen to let me go pick up our special breakfast anyway but I could feel the ticking clock. I got the flowers but had to scrap the balloon (although I did stop in at Party City to see if I could grab it real quick.)

Our big activity was to be bowling, which was one of a few things Mel had guessed (I had advised her not to get her nails done in advance) and had me worried she would be underwhelmed when that turned out to be the case. I thought it would be nice since we hadn't been since way before the pandemic -- my recollection was that we hadn't been since my 30th birthday in 2017, but she seemed to think we had been one other time since. The significance was of course that bowling was something we both loved as kids, and I had even reserved us a 5-pin lane because that was her jam as a kid and we had never been together.

Well, when we got there they set us up on a ten pin lane and I wasn't sure what to make of it so I went along with it. Partway through our second game, Mel had chipped a nail (she's very conscious of her nails these days) and the physical exertion was adding up, and I felt guilty, so I inquired whether we could switch over to a five-pin lane, and they let us. So, even though it was sort of out in Siberia, we went and bowled two more games, which she won, which was nice for her, and she swore she was having a good time, nail or no.

After that we went to the chip truck and to Starbucks for her free Birthday drink, then home to settle in. But then the haplessness set in again when it turned out the Mexican restaurant we had wanted to order from -- which we've coveted since Mel first went there years ago but for some reason can never get takeout from -- wasn't allowing takeout tonight since they only offer it on Tuesdays-through-Thursdays. If I had checked in advance I would have known but the entire time I was like "Why worry?"

Ugh.

I had flashbacks to last year when I scraped the car trying to get sushi.

Anyway, we quickly sourced a replacement, as this supposedly good place was still open for another twenty minutes and I could rush out to get us some nachos from there, although it was a bit of a letdown in the end. At least the gift -- a crystal she had asked her supplier about -- was a huge hit. She had asked my opinion about it and I told her she shouldn't spend so much money, which is true, but also it made for a good gift as I sneakily reached out to the girl whilst we were cuddled on the couch.

So you know, I don't think it will go down as one of her favourite birthdays ever, and honestly I feel like I whiff it somehow every year even though she insists that is not the case. It doesn't help that we were/are sore for days afterwards from the bowling.

At least it held off until the next day to start shitting rain, although we were going to my dad's, which wasn't fun on the highway. We got off at Bronte and took the long way. Anyway, we made it, and Brandon arrived a little late on his own as Eric had missed the message about booking work off (which... ugh.)

We all talked a while about a variety of topics. We gave them the update on our situation, which was met with lots of questions and comments but mostly love and support. Dinner was chicken parmesan, handmade by dad, which he did a good job with. They got Mel some books that I had recommended. We talked a lot about my work situation with the cyber attack and everything, and dad picked at some of the particulars, although I didn't have answers for him.

I feel like, if I ever need to remember exactly what my dad was like, many years from now, I should remember that conversation. "Why don't you just call all the stores and ask them what they have?" "We can't do that!" "Why not? And why are the sales going to be loaded in at once?" "It's millions of article-sites!" "So? What's the difference?" That's my dad. Eminently logical.

We talked about how we had walked for groceries the week before and severely regretted it. We talked about their work and their trip to California and then about TV and stuff which is usually when it's time to go.

I made plans with B to go to wrestling in a few months. Eh, why not?

Sunday would normally be a lazy day although Mel went to get her nails done and I got groceries and then we went to Starbucks again (because that's, you know, the thing to do) and then we came home to be lazy. We ordered pizza for dinner but the ladies at Pizza Hurt accidentally made us a Hawaiian pizza with no pineapple so they did us a second one and gave us the botched one for free, and now we have a ham-only pizza in the freezer, after telling everyone in the family that we don't get frozen pizza because there's not enough room for us to store it (and because I'd rather just order pizza.) We played Mario Party. It was a nice night.

Work should be back to normal-ish this week, which is good. I've gotten some bad habits and I've definitely taken advantage of the down time, to perhaps over-commit myself to my outside projects, but we'll see how it shakes out.

With gray weather today and being Monday, it just feels like a day of tiredness and fatigue.

I gave myself a tummy ache. I shouldn't keep candy at my desk. I should have healthy snacks.

Well anyway, aside from large-scale psychological analysis, that's about it for tonight. I just wanted to, you know... update you on all of that.

Keep on rockin

-Scotto