XI: Three sips of water

Of days best left forgotten. A lot of times I come to this blog to post a record of things that might slip from my memory in time. Today I come to unpack things that will probably stick with me a long while. Maybe some of it I would forget about in some way or another, somewhere down the road, but for having written it here, but what the hell, this is what SWP is made of.

I guess we can start with last week, because I did end up getting that temp job at mom's office. Someone dropped out and anyway they're apparently still looking for more today so I probably still would have gotten the call.

Mom asked on Wednesday. Since Mel and I had already discussed it, I went ahead and accepted. Thursday Mel was going into the office anyway so we drove in together. I had gotten some instructions the day before and it looked reasonably uncomplicated, but I also learn better with hands on. I spent half the morning sitting with one of the underwriters to watch how it was done, then went back to my desk and the test environment, then went back to watch some more just to be sure I was getting it. The job is basically data entry, taking e-mail requests from the inbox and applying them to the system they use. I did a couple in the afternoon on my own. There are a lot of little nuances and sometimes I get a tricky one and sometimes it's one I shouldn't even have gotten so you've got to keep your eyes open, but I've gotten faster by now and only made a couple of errors, none of which were ruinous.

It's just interesting being back to a version of the real world, a little office where people do their little jobs, quietly. It's very Dunder Mifflin without the antics. Very different from my previous workplace experience, which in fairness I wouldn't expect to ever replicate that environment. I'm taking it relatively seriously but it's not like I have any aspirations to stay on or anything. I just want to get my money and go back home, back to the trajectory I had before, which is admittedly a bit adrift, but I keep telling people (and it's mostly true) I'm working on stuff. Learning.

Thursday, I wasn't sure Mel was going to be able to pick me up, but she got out at a relatively good time and I only had to wait a little bit. Friday I was on my own, and got home in time for workout, although Mel wasn't feeling up to it. The way they work her, sometimes she doesn't really get a chance to have lunch (which is where having me around as support is key -- which is not a failing over hers, just her employer) so she was just eating when I got in a bit after five. We laid her down for a rest while I worked out. 

The real headline news though, came the following day. We were set to go out to Laura and Ryan's new place in St. Catherine's. We brought snacks (spin dip and pumpernickel, as well as chips and party mix that didn't get eaten) and a bit of cake; we had picked up some mochas for the road too. Anyway, I ended up getting on the wrong on ramp, the 403 instead of the QEW, which caused us to have to loop back around, annoying Mel -- it really irks her when I do things behind the wheel that are not conscientious and it's not like those are my proudest moments either. So we were already running late, and wound up getting there around 3:30 instead of 3, which was not unacceptable, and we reconciled quickly.

Anyway, it's a nice place. Great kitchen and all the other rooms are good, and have potential for more. Dinner ended up just being hors d'ouevres (puff pastries and a flatbread) which I thought was a bit silly given we're four adults, but it's not like I'm going to get all outraged or anything. But anyway, that didn't quite put us in the optimal headspace to hear the news that Laura is pregnant. Which is great, obviously, we're thrilled for her, it just so happens that Mel and I are in a place where it's a little hard to hear when people are expecting. You know? Like' it's been so hard for us, such an involved journey, and we know that doesn't mean that other peoples' lives stop or anything. People should do what they want. But we're entitled to our complicated feelings on the matter. "Happy for you, sad for us," as they said when I left my last job. Like it sucks to feel this way, and to feel like you can't voice it without seeming selfish or callous. Because, one more time, we are happy and excited for them, but man, we're having a tough time. What we went through last fall with our would-be surrogate was tough, and now after 2 years we're back at... not quite square one, but square two, sure. 

And there's even been positive indications there. During the week we had a meeting with an agency we liked and are pretty prepared to sign on, we just need them to get the okay from our clinic, which is pretty much academic -- even if this experience has taught me that there's always potential for yet another setback.

So, you know, as much as other peoples' successes are not our failures, it's just a reminder that not only are we not where we want to be after years of this, but it's inherently so much easier for just about everyone else. We didn't even know they were trying -- I was just assuming they planned to be DINKs their whole lives.

Just... fuck, man. We started trying in 2021. We should have a baby by now. We should have a toddler by now. But we don't, for reasons we understand and accept. I've made my peace with it, although I know Mel sometimes feels that guilt in her as if it's her fault.

(Mel's also got a bit of a complex about their house; yes, it's much bigger than ours, and they got it because a relative basically ponied up a down payment they were never going to get on their own whereas Mel worked for ours. But it's in St. Catherine's. I call that a wash.)

So after all that -- and to be fair, Mel was outwardly very positive and accepting and loving, and I have no reason not to believe her -- we played some games, some Mario Party that dominated. I tell you, I was not in a mindset to lose at games that badly, so I was feeling a bit sour, but I put a good face on I think. I'm not always a sore loser, I just hate getting stomped. I did okay. I came in second anyway, which is good.

Then on the way home it was snowing, blowing into our windshield and lightly covering the road and I was just not having it. The way home is relatively straightforward -- find the road that takes you to the QEW -- but I got mixed up on the off-ramp and ended up turning the wrong way, because my reflex is to turn left because we'd be at Brant, but we got off at Plains which is a right turn. Mel, by this point, was feeling a bit faint from being underfed. Once we finally got home we got her some applesauce and tucked her in, and I stayed up with Hank. I recorded SNL which had Connor Storrie on for us to watch later. (Personally, I think the show is in a low period, but Update is pretty good despite the fact that the same two guys have been doing it since I last watched regularly a decade ago.)

I blame my directional challenges on the fact that we were listening to our audiobook. We wanted it, but it clashed with my ability to focus and interpret the instructions I was getting from Google. Probably not the smartest thing, combined with fatigue and the weather. OH WELL. Could have been worse I suppose.

And that's that. Hank is a little hyped up trying to get my attention so I'll sign off quickly, and anyway it's about time to make dinner.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto