pg19: Serenade the weekend squire

This post is actually two posts.

Originally written yesterday afternoon:

I've gotta learn not to freak out. Or, to freak out less, but not at all would be really good.

I'm mentally stressed to the limit. I don't even have that much to worry about but at this very moment it's hitting me with a full force of gravity that is totally uncalled for. What happened was I sent in a project in the wrong format and the instructor told me in an e-mail "this is useless to me for marking," and I practically flipped out. It's not such a big deal, I knew that was a possibility and it's easily fixable, but all of a sudden I started thinking "Jeezus I'm in over my head, what am I doing with myself, I shouldn't be here, I don't belong, I'm never gonna survive," et cetera and so forth. Like I said, totally uncalled for and unnecessary since this moment isn't really that bad, I just happened to have this whole thing bubbling under the surface. I think I'm better now.

I just can't help but think I've got my whole life out of proportion. By the time I'm 20, I will have graduated frrom this course. And what happens then? Shift focus back to creative? Go to University? Seek my fortune in the world? No clue. And the weeks roll by and pick up steam and I'm very close... very, very close, to being one quarter of the way through Sheridan's Print Journalism course. And from there it won't be long until I'm halfway done. Then midway through my second year I'll think "shit, what am I gonna do?" And chances are I won't have a better answer.

(Ahem) Somewhat freaking out again. Pardon me.

The whole NaNoWriMo experience has reminded me how much I prefer creative writing. I mean, I already knew, but I appreciate it more.

I've got to get a handle on myself. I want to be in good shape for Friday. Okay, now that I've blogged it out, I don't feel so bad.

Today's nice, weather wise. I was fearing cold, arctic tundra environment. he sun was out, the wind was calm, the temperateure was... tolerable. The snow, which dusted the town last night, is fading away. It had a kind of "Pleasant Valley Sunday" feel to it, even though today is far from Sunday. That's a rather obscure song by the Monkees, by the way.

I hope the week gets better... hopefully the movie tonight will be cool.


I've since been quite back and forth on matters scholastic. There are moments when I think "yeah, I'm cool, everything's gonna be all right," and then I think "oh fuck I've got presentations coming out of my ass, I'm never gonna make it!" Everything's fine, but there are those really short, intense moments when my stomach knots up and I feel like I'm about to go onstage (WOSS drama kids know what I mean by that... but really it was any general presentation, not just performances.) I've gotta chill the fuck out.

Luckily, tomorrow is Friday. And I'm excited about that not only because it is Friday, but because at long last the much-anticipated road trip to Hamilton. And trust me, I'd never go to Hamilton unless I have something to get excited about.

I'm really appreciating the quiet moments when I don't have to be working on any particular project... I just wrapped up my part of a presentation that's due tomorrow and am gladly here with the two guys in my group. I just need to straighten out like 5 different things with Jarrett since he keeps losing everyone's marks. I should have as much as 15% more than he gives me, and he freely admits it. Oy.

The movie last night was really good. Clooney's got talent as a director, especially in terms of style. My task now is to write a 500-word review on it, which shouldn't be hard, since, well... that's what I do.

Considering taking Detectives in Fiction for my elective. I really have no idea what I want to do, but I'm thinking either that or Understanding Cults, since everything else is, well, too damn early for my taste.

Not feelin' so bad about life as yesterday -- which is odd since I was up at 7 today. And I really mean that, I hardly slept at night. Uneasy dreams plus excitement for friday. Then mom comes around with her loud wake-up routine which never bothers me except on thursdays. Curious.

Had to go bowling last night to tie up loose ends for friday. I've discovered that it is not a good idea to stay out late partying on a Friday and then get up at 8 and go bowling on Saturday. For whatever reason, the Hanleys (my Shocker teammates,) haven't picked up on that. the problem with doing a bowl-off is that... bowl-offs suck. By the end my arm gets so tired I can't keep the ball straight. I don't have the stamina for three straight games of solo bowling. Not anymore, anyway. Then I had to go home and write a few thousand words or so. My hand was killing me. Need to learn to take typing breaks. I'm thinking of institutung a system of 20-mins on/20-mins off. It'll be better than "an hour or more on/rest of night off."

Need to figure out how I'm gonna get my writing done on Friday. Could I leap ahead tonight? Will I have to make up for it on Saturday? Or will I have to jam on the keyboard early Friday morning? The last one is unlikely, since I can never bring myself to write in the morning, even though I've got the time. ("The time," incidentally, is usually devoted to checking daily webcomics, blogs, etc etc.)

Ironically, for all my excessive typing woes, I still write this blog. This is in addition to the comic reviews I still have to write, all the homework that needs to get done, and just general IM'ing of people.

Scott Williams is retarded.

But in the good way.

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto A. Williams