pt II: He who fucks and runs

I didn't go to Globalization today. I guess, strictly speaking, that makes me a skipper, but I at least e-mailed my assignment to Mike Walsh. Don't know if he got it. I'm sure I'll see him at some point in the future. I'm not all that fond of the essay I wrote, which was a vague rant about Maslow and the primal nature of humanity, but he might get a kick out of it.

Or maybe he'll be one of those teachers who calls me on my bullshit. I hate when they do that.

I did, however, find myself at Chris Ferguson's this afternoon. A bunch of the junior drama kids were there; many of the Grade 11's and Patrick Visintini, who is an honorary Grade 11. I felt a little old, I won't lie, at some points, even when Janessa and Amy were there. But I did hang out with Lauren Wing, and I always feel level with her. She, Chris, and Patrick are among my best friends left in town, so I had to show up.

I'd been having an "I hate my life" day, so it was a gift from heaven to go out and be a person for a while. When many people had arrived (including most notably Scott Conorton,) we started playing Cranium, and the team of Lauren, Adam and I began to dominate until the final Cranium-off which was taken by Scott, Patrick and Sonya, just because I was too stupid to think three-dimensionally and say "ball and chain."

I'm not beating myself up over it, though, because it was highly competitive.

Enjoy these salad days, I say.

The weather continues to be eerily springlike. I grow ever more suspicious. Now don't get me wrong, I love the weather and apprciate it and feel it is magical. I just can't help but feel like we're gonna pay for it by March. The weather doesn't just "get nice" and stay that way for four months.

I should start getting a life together. I don't have much of one at the moment. I've got, like, all these little pieces that just don't quite fit. Like a patchwork. Maybe I've attained stability in being who I am outside of the house, but I can't reconcile it with anything resembling a true life. I have, maybe, the materials, but not the product. I'm just freely floating, out there, without much direction or cause, but existing to exist. Well, people seem to enjoy my company. Maybe they're not lying. It would be a cruel and pointless reason to lie, since I was going to stay at home anyway. You would never call up someone you hate and ask to hang out. That would be counter-productive. Maybe that explains why I never call anyone.

I thought, for the first time in weeks, about Josh Kershaw earlier today. Mind you, it's not as though I never think about him in general, but usually it's as a part of thinking about working on something with him: Maim in Vain, Mirror Game, Half-Past, etc, etc. But all of a sudden I had this very unexpected recollection of him, talk-singing a disco tune. I couldn't remember if he'd actually done that, or if it was just something I imagined him doing, but it seemed classic Josh. I haven't spoken to him nor seen him since commencement. I hope he's doing well. Our occasional clashes aside, he was one of the first people I ever met in high school that I really liked as a person, and my opinion of him remains unchanged. Until I started hanging out with him and Kyle, I was merely putting up with my friends, and it was becoming increasingly difficult. That year changed that, and I was finally glad to find somewhere that made sense.

I wrote something really lame and sarcastic in his yearbook, and he was uncharacteristically sincere in mine; (Josh did have moments of sincerity, and they always seemed quite sincere since he was usually self-consciously sarcastic.) I could've said in exact words what I meant in his yearbook, but as I recall I preferred to allude to it through ironic commentary.

I'm levelled out. I'm not down, but I'm certianly not up (nor have I been in a very long time.) Like I said, I've got the ingredients, I'd just like to find the recipe.

It's up to me to make things work.

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto