5-2: You left me standing here a long, long time ago

Another day with a deficit of accomplishment.

All I wanted was a simple little job I could do for two or three months to rack up a bit of cash. And I didn't want it to involve food. Well apparently that's just not in the cards. Maybe it's time to step it up. Maybe it's time to let it go. I don't want to let it go but after a certain point it becomes freaking embarrassing. I've spent all of May and now June simply not working, being idle, drinking coffee and making the most of the weather.

I hate this threshhold of maturity I've been on the edge of for the past few years. I'm not there yet man, I'm not equipped to deal with anything. A while back I was watching the news and I heard a story about a "20-year-old man" who was killed, and I thought, "Oh, shit, I'M a 20-year-old man." I've rarely heard the M-word seriously applied to me. But if I died in some horrible/outrageous way, on the news I'd be "20-year-old Oakville man."

All I've got is a mind, you know. I'm a capable person, observant and dependable, but I have very little in the way of concrete. I'm trying, but I don't seem to belong anywheres.

Oh Lordy Miss Moreno.

In today's Oakville Beacer, there was a very sad story about a man who was killed in a car accident. It's all mom's been able to talk about this evening, because she vaguely new the poor guy, and when someone who you somewhat knew dies, it becomes a bit of a fixation. When you are close to them, it becomes a very tragic moment, but from afar, it's an odd curiosity. Something at a distance.

I didn't know his kids personally... his son was a year older, his daughter a couple years younger, but I'm sure I at least met her, and it's very sad. I've taken a bit of a joking attitude toward death recently, acknowledging that it happens to us all, but when it comes in such a sudden way, it's tragic indeed.

I'm not in a good mood tonight, as you might imagine, and I feel bad for bringing it up. But I guess I had to get those vibes out there so they don't just feed back on themselves inside of me. I mean, I know I'm laying a trip out there, but I gotta get it outta my head and into the universe.

My universe is getting bigger every day. But I'm keeping it in my hands.

I think I'm okay for now.

Keep on rockin'
Scott