C: Can't you see there's an answer?

I guess I just wasn't made for these times.

I'll be brief. My computer isn't moving fast enough for me, and I'm not moving fast enough for the world. Indeed, I seem to be in some kind of mental stasis, or like, paralyzed with fear. No development. No saving grace neither.

Not that they're outright barring me, but I've never heard of parents who were so unenthusiastic of their kids leaving. I've always just assumed they knew the deal: eventually, your kids leave, accumulate massive debt, but strike out on their own and become adults. My dad scoffed a few days ago when he admitted, "Yeah, I know, it's for a life experience" or whatever. When it comes to passive manipulation, I could learn a thing or two from him. Not subtle one bit. and perhaps it's because deep down somewhere, he knows it, Eric knows it, I know it... I'm sort of the rock of the family (a terrifying thought,) that my connection to dad is stronger than Brando's or Eric's, and that with me gone the whole arrangement might fall apart. Those two have a considerable chip on their respective shoulders and I don't blame them but they need to get straight.

I don't know if it's a bad idea to go to Toronto and live there. All I know is that if I have to live in Oakville and go to school in Toronto, I will go insane. I'll snap, I know I will. Dread as I do the notion of personal development and growth, I know the alternative is worse. For God's sake, why do I need to keep reassuring myself? Thousands of people my age - no, shit, younger than me by now - do this every year and more or less make it work. They make it work fine.

These are the thoughts that creep into my head on a day where nothing happen and I do nothing to better myself. Paranoid. Can't really be bothered to be funny or interesting or at least self-deprecating. Just... a paranoid weirdo. And I've got 2 months left on the docket. Tick... tock. Groan. Yawn.

Not to wine, not to whimper, not to cry, but I must must about this. As anxious as I already am about the future, the present isn't looking so great. I feel so abandoned. I'll fucking admit it right now and I'll guilt everyone out there who is reading this and thinks they might be guilty. Fuck. You know, suddenly the summer hit (really this goes back to mid-spring) and all my friends... the people I consider friends anyway, have all embarked upon this diaspora, this outward expansion where we don't see each other or talk. All in different cities, or countries, or continents. And I'm stuck here in this fucking town, with the remains of some good friendships, and a lot of shitty let-down memories. So there. That's out there. That's fuckin'... out there.

I'm done tonight. Let's just call it a write off and keep on rockin'
-Scott