R: Remember the impression you got

I'm typing this entry, like my previous, in a .txt file, because I find that my computer tends to lag when I type in my browser. I don't prefer this, I feel suddenly like my thoughts won't come. I have no idea why the blogger client is so much more condusive to me writing these meandering little thoughts.

I've been a mess the last little while, but still better off than I had been prior to the Niagara Falls trip. That was a high, but highs beget lows and you need to seek more highs. Or something. This makes no sense, and I still blame notepad.

I can't get it off my chest, what's been bothering me. I can't express it and I'm kind of uncomfortable attempting to. I kinda feel like Grade 10 again, and if you knew me back then you'll know that's not the best look for me. I didn't know who I was back then; I didn't know much about anything. All I knew was about freaking out over stupid little shit.

I just need to breathe. You should've seen me last night, kinda miserable. I wisely (I think) opted not to "blog it out," instead opting to wait a while and attempting to chill. I was walking around around sunset. It was so golden, unreal, and there was a goddamn rainbow arching through the sky. I didn't think scenes like that happened in real life, but it did.

Then, in a sequence of events reverse to the norm, after I saw the rainbow, it started to rain. Hrm. It amused me, though, it was a nice refreshing rain. Something we needed. And now it's due to rain again tomorrow, which it always seems on Wednesdays, which makes me very uncomfortable since Wednesdays I like to go down to Comic Connection and get my books. I haven't done that in a while, largely due to having been taking care of the dog.

I thought it was dog that was killing my morale, but it seems as though things are the exact same without her around. Still I can't tell you exactly how much of a relief it is to just chill out.

Part of my stress ahs been my OSAP application. The necessarily(?) roundabout way to do applications, I made a mistake and have had to take the extremely roundabout steps to get my OSAP application cancelled so that I can re-do it. This involved calling them Tuesday morning, finding that their hours are different on Tuesdays, calling them again, getting a busy signal, getting hung up on, repeating several times... then finally tracking down their e-mail address and being told I had to submit a written request by paper-mail (doubtless this is what I'd have been told had I gotten them on the phone.) So that played out between last tuesday and yesterday. Now I just need confirmation of the cancellation and to, uhm, try applying again. What a bummer, dude.

I stayed up until 2 last night uploading the new Sensational 7 comic, so I hope everybody reads and enjoys that. Interneta has also been updated (although oddly enough I neglected to mention Redneck there,) so I've got to go back and do that sometime (not that anyone extra would see it.)

I've got this weird little irritation on my neck, at the base of it. It's so goddamn weird. Eric's amateur diagnosis is that a mosquito bit me on the spine, and thus it's swollen not only blood but spinal fluid (uh, ew?) doubling the irritation. All I know is its really sore and nasty and it's making it difficult for me to sleep. Caffeine probably plays a part in that also, but it would be nice not to have a mystery-abcess on my spine. Eric claims it'll go away in a few days. I hope he's not wrong.

Once upon a time, it was early May. The air was chilly in the mornings, and then it would warm up. The trees were barely blooming. I was beginning my summer vacation. Suddenly it's late July and I'm a mental case. It's not overly hot, I'd say, which is a sad blow for the environmentalists; who, despite the seeming dearth of compelling physical evidence for the public beyond statistics and images, are entirely right that we're pretty fucked. Forget the tipping point - we're already fucked, I say. We can't go back, we crossed the threshhold decades ago. We're cooked, man, but do what feels right. That's why I still recycle despite my view of futility. It does my soul good to try.

I got a warm feeling from typing that. The best I've felt in days.

I'm an idiot; did you know that? Yep, just like grade 10 Scotto; idiot. I shouldn't even care about it, but it bothers me, this little thing. No, I will not say. It's embarrassing for a 20-year-old man to get hung up on this shit.

I thought about banging a prostitute not long ago. Not considered, mind you, just tried to imagine the scenario. It doesn't seem very appealing, since I'd rather make an emotional connection than a physical one. After that, I'd be all too eager to make the physical connection, but I wouldn't want to pay for sex, it would really demean the notion of it for me.

If I re-read this entry in 6 months or a year and remember what the hell I'm even talking about, I'd be surprised. But for now, I just feel like a dope.

Try to keep on rockin'
-Scotto