J: Just stay a little longer

I think a lot of my life would suddenly make a lot more sense if it turned out I was a paranoid schizophrenic.

I believe the condition causes the sufferer to fail to distinguish between one's imagination and one's reality; thus exacerbating the paranoia. Brian Wilson had it, he thought Phil Spector was out to kill him.

I'm not sure what led me to the conclusion that I should be a paranoid schizofrenic if I'm not (and I don't think I am) but I think it would be an easy to understand and convenient explanation of a lot of the things in my head. Also I could pin my inability to eat in public on that, I'm sure. A mental illness would take all the blame for everything I've ever done wrong. Is it weird that I think that would be great? I mean don't get me wrong, it would suck to live with, but it would be a load off my shoulders.

A few weeks ago I applied for a job that I was sure I would get, but thus far I have not even gotten a call. I say I was sure I'd get it, because I know the manager and she was close to hiring somebody else I know before he went to work elsewhere. So not only was I sure I'd have an in, but also that there was an element of timeliness... that I would be needed ASAP. But however long since, there remains a help wanted sign on the counter. That, combined with my feeling of being couped up in this house with the dog all day, is causing a great deal of frustration to build up... not to mention the tedium of doing the same thing every day, wasting my summer, my life, being useless, and feeling trapped, isolated after being abandoned by virtually everyone I know in this town.

So yeah, in other words, the usual. And some allergies to top it off.

The upsetting thing? I'm not really even that down. I'm just kinda bummed and kinda feeling like I've got nothing going on. I'm not freaking out, I'm not in crisis, I'm just annoyed with life/lack thereof.

I'm not schizophrenic. Maybe just anhedonic. I can't enjoy my shitty freedom.

I mean, I don't really want to complain tonight. I really just wanted to muse, but my musings went sour and my eyes are itchy/watery. I just need something to look forward to, but it's a dead end for now.

I have shit that needs taking care of; no energy tonight. Groggy as hell.

A gay dude who lived in Khartoum
Had a prostitute up to his room
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom.

I've got something to do tomorrow at least, that looks promising.

Keep on rockin'
-Scott