G: Get on your goings-on

Where is my mind?

Perhaps I'd underestimated the Pixies. I don't know. I'd been hearing indie-rock nuts sing their praises for years even long ago when I first looked into that song, and for whatever reason at the time I was unimpressed. But over time my mind has expanded a bit, my tastes have refined, and I gave it a listen with renewed interest recently... that's a good track.

But anyway I'm wondering where my mind is tonight because of how down I am. Down and out, suddenly aware the world is a very big place with very little time or room for ole Scotto. It's been a long day.

And to start with, it's Saturday night and once again I am sitting in my own basement, at my computer, with a bottle of Stella, having freshly wasted yet another weekend full of potential.

I went to U of T/Innis orientation today... you know, to get oriented and stuff. What an ordeal. I've deserved this drink, and the one I'm going to have after it. Which reminds me I've got like a ton of empties to bring back but anyway.

I woke up early today; 6:55 to be precise. That's when I set my alarm, and eight minutes later I was out of bed, composing the first of many metaphors that will be thrown willy-nilly around this entry, and that's that going to this orientation, going to U of T, is much like the very act of getting out of bed... leaving something comfortable and familiar for something new and tough. Yeah, yeah, Wordsworth I ain't.

So I went out to the bus stop, to the GO station, to the train; stopping between to get a cup of coffee (because, you know, I'm addicted,) taking the 8:20 eastbound to TO. On the train, I was seated next to a young family with a very rambunction 3-year-old (that's an estimated age) who was enthralled with his Hot Wheels, but when time came to get off the train and see the grand prix, would rather have stayed put. Children. Sometimes they seem like a whole different species.

So I show up the thing, somewhat early, and observe all the new students, the vast majority of whom are a year or two younger than me. Feeling out of place already. Add into that the distinct mood of teenage optimism I frankly never had, and you've got me feeling like a dang leper. So I sat quietly and clutched my bag and tried to listen.

The majority of the talking was done by a guy who looked like the very nervous offspring of David Byrne and George McFly. He stood squarely and panted excitedly about all the opportunities the university had to offer, how immense and threatening it may seem but how beneficial it is ultimately. Eventually the day goes on, and the bulk of the first hour and 45 minutes runs over, you know, course selection and the particulars of course coding and so forth. Very informative stuff. This was buoyed by a BBQ lunch. Except I wasn't hungry (that's half-true... you know my story) so I grabbed a water and laid back and tried to forget that I've got a life ahead of me. After resting a while, it was back inside for a lecture on the particulars of budgeting. Then I skiffed out and made it home for 3:30.

During that time, I came to a conclusion that led me to my second metaphor of the day. Somewhere I once read about the story of three blind men and an elephant. That sounds terrible but it's very innocent. One blind man felt the trunk and decided an elephant must be like a snake. the second felt the eats and thought the elephant must be like a bird. The last one felt its leg and thought the elephant was like a tree. So at this point - stay with me here - I'm a blind man, and university is an elephant I can't quite comprehend. Everyime I think I understand it, someone leads me to a new part.

Ultimately, I came to an important decision today, albeit begrudgingly. I guess somewhere I never expected it to happen and yet I didn't consider the alternative even a choice. But now I guess I know. I'm not moving out. I hate myself for that, I think it's lame that I'm even going along with it, but this is just how it's going to be. I mean, I wish it could be different but at the same time, I'm going to have to go this way because I'm a lousy guy who needs something comfortable and familiar to come home to at the end of a long day. Maybe I'll be super-frustrated and depressed, but you know that was probably going to be the case anyhow.

Yeah, it feels like I'm surrendering, but I fought as long as I could before I just finally saw the light. At some point today, whether it was during the financial lecture or on scheduling, I just thought, "This is gonna be how it is."

And so it is.

All the same, a whole different ball of woes has me sitting here in the sauce on a saturday night. I've always lamented the fact that I don't have a "best" friend, and haven't for years... I have plenty of friends, but... and here's where I get really down on myself so watch out... nobody who would go out of their way to help me out or to hang out on a saturday night. For God's sake, Bryan, a guy I hadn't actually seen in about a year (beyond random bump-intos) has seen more of me recently than many of those I would call my good friends. Is this my life? Is it really? What can I do? How can I fix this? It shouldn't be.

I don't want anybody to feel bad for me. I just want everybody to realize that there's somebody out there, whomever you are, who could use your company. Somebody who hasn't seen you in a long time, somebody with a lot on his mind and needs maybe not an answer but at least a sympathetic ear to pretend to listen, to just be there. It's been a very long time, it feels like.

I've got to rest.

Maybe blame the booze? (What asshole wrote, "A man would never say something drunk if he didn't mean it sober?") What a clod.

Keep on rockin'
-Scott