Part XIV: Take me in and dry the rain

I wasn't expecting the e-mail.

I had no idea how to start this entry, except, naturally, at the start, and with an honest sentiment. I was not expecting the e-mail.

It was from an old friend - she knows who she is and I'll not sully her dignity by naming her directly - explaining that things had gotten awkward recently. It had risen well above normal acceptable background levels of awkwardness during a recent encounter gone awry. She wanted to apologize but in order to do so, admitted it had to do with her current boyfriend and her former feelings for me, and one very rough night.

Some of this was news to me. It was 2:30 at night when I opened the e-mail, expecting nothing out-of-the-ordinary and getting ready for bed after writing the entry below, wondering if it would read too melodramatically. Perhaps I had melodrama on my mind. I thought I was hallucinating. All I did for a moment was stare blankly at the computer screen. I actually had no idea about any of this. Then I went to the kitchen, sat down on the floor, and tried to figure it out. Tried to suss out a reaction. For some reason, I laughed quietly, derangedly, to myself for a short while, then I had to stop.

I finally did get to bed after 3 AM. The next morning I dragged my tired self down to the mall to have coffee with Amanda. After some cursory conversation about her job, she asked what was up with me. I smiled wearily, sighed and said, "You know how I sometimes tell long stories? Well, this is gonna be a longer one."

So I told her what was on my mind. I advertised it as being "weird high school-type drama" but she consoled me by telling me it was really more like first-year University drama, a sort of a mature issue, really. And she helped me grab hold of the issue and figure out exactly what my next step was. It was a fragile situation and an entire friendship was at risk. And I don't mean as in playing Risk, I mean really, at risk.

So, that all off my chest, and a very lengthy therapeutic conversation about other things, people from our pasts and people from our old class, we did our usual browsing. Actually once we got to HMV I noticed the 2 for 20 racks High Fidelity and, not unexpectedly I suppose all things considered, wanted to buy it. I paired it with Shaun of the Dead; two good movies. I said hey to my old manager, Coop, cashed out and left. I also managed to snag Amanda a less-expensive copy of Buffy Season 1 because I happen to have an eye for HMV's weird tricky pricing game.

I went home and watched High Fidelity with Eric, then frittered away the day a bit. I still wasn't exactly sure what was going to happen but I did know what to do.

I woke up this morning and already felt off by half a step. I'd slept in and had to skip my shower, also no coffee. I just felt off all day long, like I was mentally missing. This is a feeling I'm getting familiar with. I functioned all right but was just blank, running ragged, uncertain.

I got home before 1, after buying a Metropass (a stream of people asked, "Are they selling Metropasses here?") at Wymilwood, and then regarding sadly how they raised the price at the pizza place at Union (so I might not go very often from now on.) So I got home and showered and knew I had to call her.

I did, and quickly asked if she was free. She was, for the time being, but had to work later. We decided to meet at the midway point between our houses and figure out what to do from there.

I headed there, garbed like a perfect hobo in my hoodie and overcoat, with my shades and toque, unshaven for several days. Walking down the street I felt like Ted Mosby in the cab in "Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM." We met at the appropriate midpoint and made small talk, trying to figure out exactly what we could do with ~2 hours. We decided to just walk, but had to swing by her place to pick stuff up.

So after a while we got going, it was about 2:30. We started to walk in the direction of her job. After charting a route to set out on, we decided we had to chart a route through our conversation. "So can we just talk about it?" she finally urged. I agreed. It was, in the words of countless AA therapists throughout history, the elephant in the room (despite the fact that we were outside.) So we started talking about... whatever it was.

It wasn't really much of anything, to tell the truth; the do-or-die part of the conversation lasted only a short while and by the time we reached the first major intersection, we had already gone back to regular scheduled conversation. I mean, whatever there was just needed to get out in the open.

"Awkward," I said, playing the reassuring friend, "Just happens to be what I do best." I cracked a few self-deprecating jokes and talked a bit about how the lines of communication seem to fall from time to time; it can happen to anyone indeed. I know I myself have been in my own head for so much of the last three or five months that it's not healthy, and oftentimes even when I'm out there, I'm still in here. It was a truth I hadn't even known to myself for long. The basic point was that, this having been out there, hanging over our heads, unsure how to behave, the friendship was indeed in dire risk. Working thorugh it so quickly allowed, I guess, a little catharsis, that allows probably everyone involved to get on with his or her life.

We got to her job right before 4 when she was due to start. As we neared it, I made sure that whatever issues were left lingering could be cleared up. They were. We said goodbye, with a note to try to maintain contact. Maybe we will or maybe we'll fall into familiar patterns where we go a long while without talking, but at least when we do make contcat again, we know we still stand as good friends.

And, I warned her, this will probably make its way into my book.

After we parted, I walked to a nearby Tim Hortons and waited for a bus.

There are other, tangentially-related thoughts that I thought I would get to tonight while I'm in this High Fidelity type mood. But I don't really have the energy, and it's of questionable appropriateness. There is one last thing troubling me, just an echo from a long time ago that happened to crop up. I think it's best left out or else it would drive me, and maybe a few other people, utterly up the wall with madness.

I need to get a life. I need to become a better student or maybe just a better citizen. I need to get ahold of my brain and just straighten all my shit out.

I should feel pretty good, and in a sense I do. But in another, less tangible way, I suck.

And that one, there's just no explaining.

Keep on rockin
-Scott