J: This suit is made of green

I wonder if everybody has these moments. I was just standing in a basement in North Bay at 10:00 on a Friday night inflating a mattress, contemplating when I was going to bed and thinking "how did I get here and why?"

I've recorded my ongoing inner conflicts about the bi-annual North Bay trips for years on SWP and I'll get back to it later. Let's back the narrative up to Thursday morning, when I said... "Fuck today."

Tht was the first thing out of my mouth that day. Hadn't even gotten off the mattress. I felt like lead and I had this feeling, even though I had plans to enjoy my day off, I felt this deep and presiding sense of anxiety over the day. It was not going to work out, somehow. So I said, man, "Fuck today."

Well I did get out of bed, and lounged around, hemming and hawing about taking care of something, school-related. I didn't and didn't really want to. I did have plans to hang out with Robyn; I called her. No reply. I actually dialled her number more times than I reasonably should have, each time getting no answer. Weird old insecurities crept back up. I got better with the telephone over the years but I hate dialling and not getting a response. Hate having to leave messages (so I don't when I can get away with it.) Have having to wonder where the person is. It caused me perhaps irrational angst. "C'mon!"

I tried to go on with my day, slowing down the rate of calling. I played GH, watched TV, made lunch, as my vague plans slipped away. I went and got myself some coffee and visited the bank and grumbled about the weather - chilly but exacerbated by far by the harsh icy wind. I decided that by the time I got back, with my luck, Robyn probably would have called and I would check the "last number" to see this and say, "Well that figures." So I was out for about an hour and came back and checked the phone.

Upon seeing the last caller all I could say was, "Well, that figures." So I called her back.

I could tell from the moment she answered that she was ill, which explained very clearly and innocently why she hadn't answered my various calls. We talked a short while then I let her get back to resting. The rest of the day passed very dull-ly.

Around 10:00 after several more hours of Guitar Hero (not to mention grocery shopping and mounting personal angst for no good reason) and a random MSN from Jasmin, Chris came online and aske me if I'd be down for Risk. It took me a moment to realize that it was in fact a weekend and though I had something to be up for the next day, it was nothing the level of school or something so taxing I couldn't stay up a little late. So I decided to come.

It was a decent three-man match between me, Chris and Ryan. What really happened is that we all started by getting a continent then the board changed very loittle over the course of four hours. We watched Scorpion King and Pitch Black, then soem Arrested Development. Then as Ryan was starting to mount a campaign to finish me off, he had to go and it was after three so the game was done. After he left, Chris and I finished watching the episode of Arrested that was on, and shot the shit a while before I finally left around 3:45. I'd stayed a little later than intended. I got home, put the trash out, and fell into bed at about 4:10.

At 6:30, in addition to my alarm going off (crap, I forgot to turn it off) I had to deal with my mom morosely jumping to conclusions about the state of my dog's health. I can't say for certian, only from observing him day after day, but he seems pretty fine. Maybe not a morning person and maybe with a bit of indigestion, but I don't think it's as melodramatic as mom would have us believe. He's still quite energetic at times, and I don't fault him for being laid basck most of the time (I think the sound of Guitar Hero gets him riled up though.) He does unfortunately leave messes around the house, of varying natures. In Spring he'll probably be better about going outside.

But my point is, she was practically freaking out this morning at 6:30 outside my door and not directly to me. She just wouldn't settled down about it and I'd barely gotten two hours of sleep (through my own decision, predicated on the assumption nobody would wake me up.) I drifted in and out of sleep, sadly, mostly being conscious when mom brought Grandma over and gave her a pep talk of what to do in case something goes wrong (with the dog.) Grandma is staying at our place because mom and Tim went to Lake Placid and someone's gotta take care of the dog while we're in North Bay. What a convergence of circumstances. It is, after all, the long weekend.

So I finally crawled my ass outta bed at 9:30, showered then got a call from dad. "You guys ready?" No. "Okay. When will you be?" Uh... 10:30? "Okay, see you then." The other guys weren't even up.

Eventually they did get up. And around 10:30 dad showed up. We got all our junk into the rented van and headed up here on the usual North Bay road trip. I was still really tired from not having slept a decent length of time, but have never really been one to sleep in a car, so I've been dragging all day. This rented yuppiemobile was equipped with XM Sattellite Radio, my first close experience with one. Having a manual of XM stations, Deb eventually selected what was listed as some kind of rock station. The problem was, it seemed to deal exclusively in crap rock. There was Journey, Styx, and what appeared to be a lot of Bryan Adams, among other things. I actually ended up putting in my iPod even though the experience of having earbuds in and sitting next to a speaker is jarring. The highlights of their playlist were Steve Miller, Joan Jett and Sweet Emotion. Other than that, pretty rough.

We got here and it's been the usual sitting talking, questions, followed by dinner, more conversation... I can't say it's been the most fantastic evening so far but (dinner was nice and) I try to play down whatever bothers me for the duration of the trip to North Bay and just let it be. It'd be nice to be at home (wouldn't have to miss Joe's latest show, or any friends who came home for the weekend,) but I don't have to do this very often so it's just best to let it happen.

I have some serious issues, some of which I will get into on my next post... tomorrow night or sunday.

Mark your calendars?

I'm pretty bummed. I think I need something good to go on very soon.

Have a happy easter everyone. Keep on rockin'
-Scott