10:00 AM: The threat of the future

So I've not been around in a few days, and if you've been following my recent postin patterns that should not come as a shock. Of course, it must be stated up front and matter-of-factly that at least I had a better weekend this week than last - given that at no point during this past weekend did I think I was moments away from death.

No, it was your standard homebody affair. I went out for coffee with Amanda and we talked the usual, and I bought shoes. I've needed some good weather-resistant shoes (basically, hiking shoes) for a while and after about three minutes of actually looking I found 'em. Then I got home and wore them around and was like "Yeesh these feel tight." They were labeled 8.5, which is far from my size anyway, so I went back the next day and tried on the 9's and 9.5's when I ultimately found out that the supposed 8.5's were actually 10's. Go figure. So I went for the 10.5's (comfy, maybe even too big though) and got $15 back because of some re-pricing chicanery. Go me!

Saturday night I came home from dad's, watched a bunch of Blackadder (had myself a weekend marathon) and passed out on the couch to a lame SNL re-run (I expected better things from John Malkovich.) It was not a very productive weekend.

Then I started thinking about school, how the assignments are starting to roll out. Actually, this was apparent on Friday, amidst the happy mixup of tutorial dates, but it's just a larger and larger looming spectre every day. More and more. Sometimes I wonder how much they can honestly expect from us. I know it's basically the same for everyone, and everyone seems to deal with it differently. I had an assballs 2 weeks last semester when four essays were due (and around the same time I was writing my 20th Century AmLit midterm, which was two short essays, on the spot, hand-written.) Things are looking even more precarious this time around.

There's not a goddamn chance I'm taking five courses in a semester ever again, no sir. Summer school if I have to.

Anyway, all this got me to thinking about my future, and career opportunities, and general hopelessness. Which, of course, brought me into the subject of romance. Unrelated on the surface, but you know how my mind goes.

It started with a string of dead ends on that wasteland POF. I got into this whole existential "Why me?" quandry, wondering what a guy has to do to get a woman interested these days. Feeling inadequate, frustrated and helpless. But I got over that.

Around the same time, a friend mentioned her relationship is on the rocks - in fact, the second such friend in only a short while. I got to thinking about the contrasts between the stresses of being in a relationship and not being in one (especially for such a length of time.) She really seemed to be going through the emotional wringer, noting, sympathetically to what I'd said, she feared being single, because she'd gone on a break with her guy a while back and it was not so appealing to her. And I don't blame her either. Meeting people is not fun. Rewarding, when it happens and goes well, but not fulfilling recreation.

I try not to torture myself. I mean, I do anyway, but I try not to too much. Both states of affairs are tough ones to be in. I'll say this much: I've long since outgrown the years when I'd sit around moping about my life (like there was nothing I could do about it) and thinking that there's nothing worth getting up for if you don't have that special someone. Yes, eventually I acquired balls. I look at the world as full of possibility (on my more optimistic days.) Feeling sorry for yourself, I learned years ago, is counter-productive. And considering I'm not generally a positive guy, that's words to live by.

Anyway, there's plenty of stuff on my mind (that'd been kicking around in there for a few days) but I'm tired by now, and still overwhelmed with the prospect of preparing a new load of essays and other assorted nonsense. I'm starting to feel like my life isn't mine anymore.

Wow, that's a hell of a thought.

Better quit while I'm not behind. Watched a Bollywood flick in class today. It's not been a thrilling week. Keep on rockin'
-Scott