3:00 AM: There's potential in your mistakes

What the hell, life.

I should probably be in a better mood than I am right now. I'm not mad or pissed off at anything, but in kind of a disgruntled, annoyed place. The particulars of moods are well-documented in this blog over the years... I shouldn't feel bad, and yet I'm kinda... sulky maybe. No real reason to be. Let's take a look at the scoreboard.

It's 2:30 in the afternoon and I'm in the Innis Computer Lab. My last class ended at 1 and I'm full of McDonald's because, for the second day in a row, I forgot my sandwich (to be fair, it was the same one I made two nights ago, probably no good by now, if it ever was.) I don't have class until 6. I should do some reading, but am not. I want to be doing some writing, but cannot bring myself to. The weather outside has gone from pleasantly magical winter wonderland to slushy bullshit day. My shoes are wet - these sneakers ain't so good for winter, I've long since been made aware. I've got some girls on my mind, but nothing too nerve-wracking. Wondering if it's even possible for me to be emotionally attached to anyone by now. I think my development in that area was stunted in high school and now I'm fine with what I am - since I don't get hung up on things like 15-year-old me did, and also get more done.

Just thinking. There are people I know who are in long-term relationships, or have been in short-term ones constantly since they were 16. My parents barely know any of my friends (strictly speaking, they know none of them.) James, whom I saw a week or so ago at Dad's, has been with his girlfriend for years now, despite there being a distance issue. She's part of the family, or whatever kind of unit is going on there (the conglomerate of Deb and her kids and their girlfriends, plus my Dad and my brothers. I don't consider Deb's family to be my family, but it's certainly more than "the lady my dad lives with.") Anyway. I've never had anyone to introduce to my parents (sidenote: there was that one, but she already knew my dad, and I introduced her to my mom with great reluctance) or bring over for family gatherings and such. I have no idea how my family would react to someone new of a female-romantic nature, since my brothers are frankly as clueless as I am - one of them moreso. And again, no idea if that's something I'd want or could deal with, but, you know. I'm rambling.

I guess it boils down to the interconnection of two unrelated points: my family isn't all that close-knit, and I haven't got anyone to introduce them to. Corollary: I have no idea what it would be like to be introduced to a girl's parents. Generally speaking I get along well with my friends' parents.

My point - if I had to pretend I had one - is that when I was younger I felt this burning desire for a relationship. My hilarious failures in that respect (most of which were my own faults) eventually took that desire out of me. I'm good at being what I am, and happy to do so, and only occasionally think (or perhaps realize, or notice) that I've missed out on something. It's kinda like how I've never learned to drive a car. Except you shouldn't have sex with your car.

That said, I'm happy being what I am these days, talking to random girls and Julie (hi Julie!) What I've got going on may not be serious, but it's enjoyable, and I don't have to worry about what my parents might think. Also, I don't really care. I guess I don't deal with them enough for it to matter.

Well, that was a nice little rant, kind of out of nowhere. It actually cheered me up some, even if it doesn't seem to have anything to do with the things I was initially glum about. Well, that's SWP for you.

I found out this morning that if U of T's TA's go on strike, classes would likely continue, so... yay? I had a talk with my dad last night about the strike and he gave me a pep talk that I should behave as though there won't be one, and he's right. What should that matter, until it happens? Cross that bridge when it comes and so forth.

Keep on rockin'
-Yr Scotto