108: We and they

It's been a long, tiring day. I've got a lot on my mind tonight, but how much of it I'll be able to push out into verbiage I'm not sure. I'm a little scattered.

I've been a little sick lately. Mostly in the mornings I wake up and I have a ton of phlegm or chest congestion and I feel pretty stuffy and headachey. Then I finally convince myself to get up, lumber down to the shower, and once I get active and stuff it pretty much goes away. Popping a ColdFx or two seems to contribute as well. And then in the evening I get ill again, but that part I chalk up to allergies because the symptoms are more consistent with that by this point (scratchy mouth, most notably.)

The annoying thing about spring is that suddenly all the couples are out of hibernation. Suddenly I'm seeing all these lovey-dovey boys and girls walking along, holding hands or leaning on each other. I was on the GO train earlier tonight with a girl all snuggled up to her guy. I've never felt motion sickness in a train before, but here I was getting queasy. Okay, I'm overdoing the bitterness shtick. The fact is I don't have much problem with this in and of itself, it's just that, well, when it's everywhere, it's kind of a pissoff. Like, suddenly people are happy being together and everything? What a phenomenon.

My brother called me at about 1:50 AM this morning, while I was lying in bed. It was freaky because I was awake, trying to get to sleep, (kinda sick) but not really asleep, and suddenly my phone starts to vibrate. I'm a little sick of the sound my phone makes on vibrate. It's really ominous and foreboding. It's a must for when I'm in class (I had a whole text conversation with RyLai during my Short Story lecture - my behaviour during that class is frankly appalling) but during times when my phone is just sitting there, it's a little terrifying.

So this conversation. Eric was in the back of a car going from downtown back to his place. He was obviously quite drunk. He had a similar conversation with B on his birthday. He poured his heart out and confessed the reason why he hadn't been on MSN in a while. Then he said something that I really didn't need to hear while trying to settle my mind and get to sleep. He said, slurred, "I feel like you're missing out on such a big part of the experience by living at home... this is what you're missing out on." And while I'm really not the party monger Eric is, part of me always does feel bad about the social aspect I've sacrificed by not immersing myself in the downtown scene. It weighs on my mind fairly often, and I really didn't need him underscoring that for me at 2 AM when I was sick and tired anyway.

Yeah. The truth? Of course it sucks, living in Oakville, going to school in Toronto, trying to account for my situation every time I meet someone, barely making connections with people. How could it not suck? It's not like the first moment I learned I got into U of T, my first thought wasn't "I'm moving to Toronto!" And then that attitude was beaten out of me. And I feel like, pretty much everyone I know who is no longer in Oakville (which is basically everyone) looks down on me for staying behind in this dead-end town.

Every so often, I think back to the possibility of moving there. It wouldn't be that hard, there's a whole organization devoted to finding housing for people. It's somewhat more than I pay for transit, but, as I said to Ryan when I was considering it last year, the cost on my soul being reduced seems like a profit. I felt so good that one night I spent there. Could it be that way always? Do I hate myself so much that I'd deny myself that?

Very few people get exactly what I've got going on down here. Living at home isn't quite "living at home" and hasn't been for a while. I go for days without talking to or even seeing my mom, she doesn't typically make more than one meal for us each week (dad does more per month.) We eat better than most university students.

All these reasons, these excuses. I don't deal with changes of routine too well, especially when it's something so drastic as my entire lifestyle. Maybe it's what I need, and not just because I'd be closer to school and able to go out drinking late.

I mean hell, nobody lives at home forever, right?* This is usually when people leave.

(Nobody normal anyhow.)

The majority of people I've met at U of T still live with family, but their family lives in Toronto. Just felt like mentioning that.

The trick tomorrow, I think, will be to not let myself get distracted.

See, after all this, I kinda hate myself now. I was feeling kinda good today too, with girls glancing at me on the subway and stuff. Little things like that cheer me up. And then I go and wrench up the awkward and self-loathing. Go me. Winner.

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto