Chapter Twelve: Play it cool, play to win

Not that a lot is going on these days, but I feel like I have a decent-sized entry in me tonight. I just finished my Short Story course, which is bittersweet because I was enjoying it a lot more than Poli Sci. The change in routine will not necessarily be a welcome one, which is not what you'd expect from a guy who was just doing 5 hours straight of class. Amazingly, by the end of 6 weeks, I actually did stay in Short Story all the way to the end a couple times.

The finale of the class was a double-shot of trouble. A less-than-8-page paper (spacing unspecified, I went with double) due on the very same day as the exam. and since I'm a giant fucking procrastinator I didn't get around to writing it until noon of the day it was due. Honestly, I think the result may not have been the greatest thing I've ever produced, but it was as good as I felt I could get out of myself these days. Could it be burnout already? A certain number of tests and papers within only 6 weeks suggests possibly.

The paper was an examination of depictions of prejudice in Raymond Carver's "Cathedral" and Flannery O'Connor's "Everything that Rises Must Converge" (last seen being read by Jacob at the scene of John Locke's paralysis.) I'm not particularly fond of the observations I made and conclusions I drew, but they were there, and maybe the marker will be lenient on my.... sloppy formal style. Yeah, really gotta work on that.

The test had a broad selection of authors whose stories I could have covered, but I conspicuously avoided talking about those stories, perhaps to my detriment. It was a bit more free-form, and though my mind started to wander near the end...... yeah, again, maybe not such a great sign. But the ideas are there (aren't they?)

I've always been of the belief that if you know the material, you can't really go wrong on an English essay. At least, I was of that belief until last semester. Now I don't know what to think. Maybe I'm just being insecure. Maybe I'm really just a lazy fuckup. I can't even tell.

I was up early this morning, in fact even earlier than through most of the school year because I don't trust myself, and I was trying to catch the 9:00 train. The reason for this was that I was going to meet up with Vasa the train girl for our first official hangout. Sunday night she sent me this epic-length Facebook message explaining, you know, "I don't want this to be awkward, I hope there hasn't been a misunderstanding, I don't know what you're thinking but I have a boyfriend and we're happy but let's be friends okay?" It's the kind of thing I am really, really used to hearing from women. So I knew how to respond. Basically with the truth.

I told her not to worry about it, that I'm not the type of guy who carries around expectations, that I wasn't surprised that she turned out to have a boyfriend, and being friends isn't really going to be a problem, let's hang out.

I can't deny, it sucks being that guy, time and again. It's a role that I often find myself put in because of my own foolishness, and often just by chance. It sucks but I've gotten used to it. There are plenty of women out there to be rejected by, and I've got a lot of work ahead of me if I'm going to get through them all by the time I'm 70.

I kid (well kinda) but she's quite cool, we get along well. We met up early, because she'd stayed the night in the city but had to get home by midday, plus I had that paper to write. So we got some coffee (in my case a cold blended drink, because it was a warm day and we went walking.) We talked about, well, stuff, life, school, whatever came up. There was some awkward pauses, because hey, I'm a pretty awkward guy especially when you're just getting to know me. I tend toward quietness until something sparks the conversation.

The exception of course being when I'm drinking.

I dunno. I'm feeling kinda angsty tonight. Although I only took about 4 hours to write the paper, I was thinking about it for a while before that, several days in fact, and now that it's off my mind I just want to relax a while before I move onto the next thing. Sadly, the next thing is always right up against the last night, it's like some crazy domino metaphor. A bad one at that.

Well, I'm done for tonight. Perhaps tomorrow my motivation will be up. I'm all over the place these days, back and forth and never sure where I'll land. Tomorrow it'll be something else. I'm all about something else.

But goddamn today was gorgeous. This is what they were talking about when they said summer.

I... should be writing. But this entry has taken longer than usual to compose so I might as well pack it in for the night.

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto