004: Words on my mind

Watch out, it's that double-post I promised. See the post below.

2009 AD has been over for a week nearly. I once heard that whatever you're doing at midnight on New Year's, you'll be doing for the entire year. I had this in mind On Dec 31 2008 when I was sitting in Cary's basement watching zombie movies, bummed at my lack of prospects for the future. The prophesy turned out to be rather accurate, as I did spend a lot of the year with Cary. If it turns out to be true this year, it's a bleak notion. Bleak, bleak.

The entirety of 2009 can be summarized by the events of July 2-4. If I had spent the rest of the year in a constant state of burning to death it still would've been okay. I guess that's my way of saying that there were a lot of highs and lows in this year, more than my usually-moderate life ought to be able to produce. I have Cary to thank for that. On a whim he decided to try directing a version of Half-Past Eight PM and somehow it worked better than anyone could have imagined, especially myself. Well, I should quit the modesty, I know I'm awesome.

From February through July we worked on it, workshopped it, modified it. He cast it, he got the performances he wanted out of the actors. I visited as often as I could, we drank together, we drank together a lot. Years from now when I have utterly failed, I will look back at this first success as the misstep taking the wrong path chasing this dream. Of if I'm successful, the opposite I guess.

Many other things did happen this year, making it so notable. I've managed to surprise myself by keeping my writing output up, although I'm not always on task. I met a lot of friends. I actually dedicated myself to that cause, despite often frustrating myself from not quite meeting the people I want to, I end up pleased with the people I do. That sounds insulting but it's meant to be loving. Martina, Rosie, Jamie in Film. Vasa on the train. A few girls through the internet (this is a trend that started in late 2008.) Numerous people at work, most particularly Cait. I spent one very perfect afternoon with a really cool girl in November and I haven't seen her since. Another thing to blame myself for, I'll carry that one around for a long while.

I lost a grandparent and a dog in 2009; the grandparent more suddenly than the dog, but I was prepared for both, and sad for both, and weirded out by my comfort with both.

I strained against reality for most of the year. I re-read some posts from January and it turns out my New Year's Resolution was to be a better student. That didn't happen, not by half. I actually slipped into some nearly inexcusable scholastic habits this year, culminating with some ridiculously lackluster marks in the first semester of my third year. In first year, my Narrative prof, Cobb, told us that it was conventional wisdom that people get to University and though they may expect A's and such, they usually end up with C's, and then catch on. I started out with A's, and then straining under my own frustration with the Academic institution and distraction with potentially-more-important endeavors like play-writing, found my way down through B's and to C's. This semester represents a low water mark. I could've done better in Drama and Theory, but I didn't. There's no other explanation than that. either I was capable of better but didn't provide it (I feel like I am but I can't seem to put it all into words) or I was simply not meant to do write-ups about Eichenbaum and Jameson, despite the fact that I felt like I mostly got it. Since I did decent work on my presentation and write-up in Drama, but pinched a loaf for my mid-term test in Drama, it's not hard to see how it evened out to a C+, Blackboard says I got a 65 on my final exam, which sounds about right, although I should have been able to produce a 70, I know I didn't, so this is my cross to bear.

My marks shouldn't come as too grave a surprise and shouldn't therefore disappoint me too much but hey, maybe that's motivation (but probably just frustration.) I choose to blame class participation marks. Which oddly enough, is all on me. De Groot gave a long spiel yesterday about the insanity of participation marks. Other profs don't seem to have caught on. But it all happens on Blackboard and I hate going on Blackboard. I don't have my short story mark yet, but I can guess it'll be about a 66. I'll drink to it if it's higher.

I have a feeling that I am going to go through the motions for this semester. I oughtn't and I don't try to, but if I do, I'll do what I need to to survive and keep sane and more importantly, to write, to write, to write. 2009 has shown me, for better or worse, that it's what I'm meant to pursue. It's all I've got, and a paper on Saussure isn't going to help the way more work on End of the Night will.

So my resolution for 2010, if I am to have one (I don't think I will really) is just to take it easy on myself, to keep my shit in perspective, and to do my best not to flip out when shit gets tough. All I need to do is to live, and I'll be fine.

2009 was also the year I twittered my way through. I find myself obsessively composing little micro-thoughts. It's sick. I can't escape.

I was bummed as all hell when I started writing. I'm still not great, and lord knows I'll still feel some moroseness tomorrow, but I've got a bit more perspective, I'm feeling more level-headed now.

2010 will be more of the same, but hopefully better. Listen to Damien Rice's cover of When Doves Cry/Babe I'm Gonna Leave You. All will be well.

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto