O: In constant contact

It isn't that my life has rapidly changed in a short span of time, but it is recently that the effects of a small number of subtle changes have been felt.

I used to be able to vent myself to a certain number of people on a fairly regular basis. I was having coffee with Amanda every week, I could always count of Taylor to show up on MSN to distract me from my life. Circumstances have kept me from hanging out with Amanda on a consistent basis for the past few months. Taylor's been barred from the internet except in rare extenuating circumstances. When I'm bummed, I have nobody but SWP to hear me out.

This past Wednesday, in British Literature, I came to the conclusion that it's now pretty unlikely I'll ever meet "the one." I hate to sound melodramatic, but it seems pretty likely I'll die alone, and unloved, sooner than later. I've been at U of T for three years now, have made no headway in finding a girl I really like. Never meet people at work, just customers in transience and girls I don't wanna get involved with for various reasons. I'm not good at meeting people, and when I do, I don't capitalize. I'm stuck in my own head and I can't compromise and make it work in those rare cases where it does seem like I'm getting on with a girl. I suck.

Of course, I can't let any of this discourage me.

I've been hating on myself a lot lately. It doesn't feel good but it's hard to resist the urge because I am alone with my thoughts so damn much of the time. I've been doing this to myself for years and it's worse now that I'm trying to be all these things, employee, student, writer, person. I complain a lot. I am not happy about it, but it is the way it is, and can't be helped. But when it's time to deal with others, I do my best to put my shit away.

So this is the week that was.

Monday I skipped class to work on my USA Response Paper that didn't even get done. Not because I slacked. In fact, I went over my chosen article with a fine tooth come to get as much out of it and make notes so that I could do it more effectively. It's just that that took so long that by the time I was done the article it was about time to go to work. It was my first shift closing as keyholder and I was really psyched for getting to be in charge for a few hours, even if it involved doing new releases. The only other people scheduled were Jeff and Ryann, a new girl who is transitioning over from Dorval when they close at the end of the month. I met her briefly at the end of my shift and we really seemed to get on well. On the Monday, Karen ended up staying nearly until close just to finish up some bullshit stocking in preparation for a corporate visit, which really harshed my mood, because I had no idea when she'd be gone and I don't like to not know things like that.

In the end, though new releases took a bit longer than usual, we got them done in good time. Ryann's cool, and in fact reminds me a lot of Alyssa when I first met her. Knowledgeable about very unexpected stuff, and with a good sense of humour.

The week continued to be hectic. There was a quiz in US Studies that I did badly on. I skipped film AGAIN to finish that paper, which I was not happy to do. Then learned a lot of stuff about DNA in Anthropology, which sounded very familiar from Grade 9 Science. More sophisticated, but familiar.

Wednesday was a slog. It was particularly bad because I'd packed my Brit Lit anthology in my backpack, expecting to have time to go over it, and failed to realize that the reading was an online reading this week. So not only was I sore, but uninformed for the lecture. I very nearly left at the break, but decided I'd skipped out a bit too much this week.

Thursday I opened the store for the first time. Not as epic as I'd imagined. some paperwork, some solitude, then some standing around trying to figure out stuff for others to do. It was only me and Chantelle in, we played Gus and Karen, as those two were off doing respective things. The day breezed by. Then today Chantelle and I opened again and it was all very routine. Since that's the usual routine on Fridays, with Karen coming in at 1, they're usually pretty good.

But anyway, this whole scene is starting to wear on me, and I need to make time to write this weekend, or it might just never happen. Amidst all family obligations and everything.

Herp derp derp.

Keep on rockin
-Scott