VII: I Won't Be

I can remember many snow days. I remember one from Grade 8 when I took the day to get Polaroids of the closed-down Wal-Mart (they had closed it after building a new location years earlier) which was by then a Flea Market on weekends. I needed it for a presentation in French Class where we were supposed to pitch a restaurant, and needed a location because I guess it was so cool hands on whoop-de-doo. I created an off-brand Planet Hollywood called "Filmy's" which just sounds gross. I also used the day to reorganize the website I was running at the time. I remember the first song I heard when I woke up that day was U2's "Beautiful Day," for obvious ironic reasons. It actually was a nice day, there was just a prohibitive amount of snow on the ground.

I can remember a snow day from when I was in Grade 10. It was my friend Ana's birthday, which seemed too late in the year to have so much snow, but there we were. I had made her a Mix CD, and actually went around town listening it to myself since I couldn't give it to her. It's kind of amazing what a clueless yutz I was back then, because as bad as I am now, I was utterly hopeless at 15. There was one when I was at Sheridan, too, and Amanda and I were the only people who showed up.

I remember a few days that should have been snow days but weren't. One from late in high school when I went for a car ride with Emma and we didn't brush the snow off her hood so if kept flying up and we almost died. But I remember that one specifically because I trudged all the way out to U of T just to be there. I honestly don't know why I did that, I must have figured it would pay off, although it's entirely possible I was too much of a goody-goody to skip. That era isn't well-represented on the blog so I can't remember. Maybe it's because I had a thing for one of the girls in the class.

Today was one of those days... when I went to bed last night there was just a dusting on the ground. I had heard it was supposed to be a massive storm so I was sure to check. I had one of the best sleeps in a long time, especially on a work night, then woke up and, after debating whether to grab an extra half hour because my start time was 10 not 9:30, decided to be industrious for once.

It was a pretty amazing day. The mall was a ghost town. There were a few die hard lookie loos with nothing better to do, and parents who needed to entertain their kids; I don't think we broke $1000 though. Bev was even saying they might end up closing early, so I wonder if they did. We spent most of the day clearing out some tasks, price changes/rollovers. housekeeping. There was some discussion of our recently departed co-worker. It's kind of fascinating how these things play out.

Maybe someday in the far off future I'll re-read that sentence and remember what I was referring to. Maybe it will have slipped my mind and I'll never get it back. But I find that usually, when re-reading those old posts, I am good at getting the subtle clues to myself, probably more often than not remembering the exact incident and why it seemed so significant at the time. Then there are maybe some times when I think I remember it correctly, but am not... and maybe I'll never know which instances those are. Huh.

The other night, I invited some Anons on Tumblr, and the one I got back said "You're great, don't let anyone tell you different," and as cheesy as this is, I said this was probably the first time in my life when I could just accept someone telling me that and not try to deflect it or play it down. I'm okay. I've grown up a lot and I'm feeling better about who I am and where I am going, if anywhere. The routine has done my good, even if it's sometimes trying. I say this because prior to this paragraph I thought about doing some whining about getting motivated and breaking free of routine but honestly, I don't feel bad. I'm writing, fairly consistently, and I'm fairly happy with what's coming out. I've hit my mid-twenties with gusto.

I think the key was, last night, I realized I still have flaws... but absolutely none of those flaws keep me from living my life and enjoying what I have. There are bad things, there are things I would like to change, but it doesn't kill me that they exist. It still feels like I should undercut myself somehow, but I'm good.

Eerily good.

Maybe it's just the clam before the storm.

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto