5:52 AM: constant hum, consistent drum

So, it's a dreary early Spring day and I have absolutely no energy. It's Friday afternoon and I've done whatever work I feel I can elect to do, which is probably less than I should do, but you know how it is (I mean, do you? Don't you?) Nothing essential is getting missed, that's for sure. Work is not, per my last post, "back to normal" or even close.

Every so often -- like nowish -- I think about the years we lived in the city, and how it felt like our playground. You'd walk from place to place, you felt like it was all your territory, like you owned it. We didn't even go out that much, but I do remember nights or sunny afternoons gamboling down Queen street or on the Quay or up Spadina or to Parkdale or out to Leslieville, what have you. Like, we were the furthest thing from Urbanites, we were really just waiting to move back to the suburbs, but for a while there was a novelty, in those times when we didn't merely go from place-we-needed-to-be to place-we-lived.

I look back on posts from the lockdown period and you know, there was a lot of mental anguish and frustration in the relationship dynamic at that time, but there was a niceness to going out for walks around the shut-down city. Even just going as far as the sushi place around the corner, or down to the Loblaws, as we did one time (a study in changes over years if you compare to our recent debacle walking to the grocery store.)

I don't know, there's no point in being nostalgic for it. There is power there because it isn't how things are anymore and it didn't totally suck. But as I have tried to describe it, to capture it in words, the feeling seems to have faded, the strength of that memory, what I liked so much. I like walking but I need somewhere to walk. Being around buildings, on the sidewalk, on the street, there was always something. 

I was getting a little cranky because I was shirking work but not "doing anything" with the time. But honestly my mind is pretty cluttered right now and fatigued so it's probably best if I just chill. I've become pretty critical of things I'd been spending time on, but I'm trying not to let it get to me. We have a lot of meetings set up, exciting and scary.

Mel has been going into the office at least once per week lately, the Oakville office. I haven't shared this habit with her, but we've talked about maybe I ride with her to the Oakville station and take the train from there. I don't want to and with nothing going on at work there's no motivation to, but it's in the air, and I like the idea of doing it for summer. We might have to work it out so that I don't rely on her to get all the way home, but that's up for debate. I like having the house to myself now and again, not that I do anything with it (...) and I'd like having a solo-ish trip to the office now and then too. She has thanked me for supporting her and of course I would. I think work from home is great but leaving the house more frequently is also the curative for some of her recurring anxiety, which stretches way back to pre-pandemic times. I'm proud of her for trying and want to have her back on it.

I haven't spoken much about this but from time to time Mel and I sleep in different beds/rooms. I don't tell people about this because it sounds bad or wrong but it's for mundane, non-dramatic reasons. I snore, and she hogs the mattress. So every so often one of us goes off to the other room. If I can hold off on going to sleep until after she's out (which is a safe bet) the snoring won't bug her, but when I'm too tired to hold up, there's a problem. I sleep pretty good on nights like that, but I think my body is rejecting the excess of rest because I wake up groggy and, I don't know, sleep-drunk. And I feel lonely, you know, without her there (she also snores, but I find it comforting for the most part.) It's a give-and-take, a trade off.

Well, this rambling, shambling nothing of a post seems to be coming to an end. My brain feels a little more alert. I feel I have earned my afternoon coffee (late) and some TEW, or whatever I choose. Simple dinner tonight. Last night I put everything I had into some garlic and rosemary veal chops. Mel was underwhelmed. Her verdict, maybe it needs a sauce. Okay, sure, I'll give you that. I don't love cooking but I do like eating good food. Oh well. I would also say the recipe needs work, I can take constructive criticism. I want that on record. 

I do have a messy kitchen, but it's an easy clean these days with the new dishwasher. Unload, load, run, badda-bing.

I leave you this.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto