H: Organism

Bear with me a minute. I'm having not a great few weeks but today has been particularly tough.

Is there any particular reason? It's hard to say. Yes, this feeling is centered around a few specific events but by and large it's all just the undeniable reality that life and the world are simply not as good as they should be. A lot of the time I don't have a problem processing this information, squaring it away with my worldview. But sometimes it feels like the world is so much worse than it needs to be, for such stupid reasons... and it affects me personally.

I'm mad about work. I'm madder about work than I have been in a long while. I'd quit, but quitting without a job in hand would be an empty gesture. They could fill my role easily and for less money. They don't value me. That much, they've made clear. It's not just me, they don't particularly value anybody. I'd like to show 'em, and I can't do that from within. I've applied for my first job outside the company in a long while today. I'm not banking on it, but it's groundwork, there's more to come. I'm at that point, which is not unprecedented, but historically difficult for me to get to. 

But let's face it, it's not just this job, it's jobs, it's work, it's labour under capitalism. It's being on a treadmill with nowhere to go. It's feeling like you could be doing something you love, but have no way to get to it, no path. I don't even feel like I'm at a place in my life where I could take a chance on myself, but it's tempting.

It feels a bit like early 2017, when I was truly at the end of my rope. That's what it takes to shake me up. Well, maybe that's needed.

The base of it is, some stupid fucking shit left a bad taste in my mouth, and I may not believe in myself enough to think I deserve better. But I need something else. I can see what's coming and it's not going to work for me.

Yes, okay, I don't want to be dragged back into that fucking office. We have it so good, but some fuckin' lady comes in and tells you, we're turning back the clock, this is the way it's gotta be.

It just highlights the futility of it all.

Ooh, it burns. I am not in top shape these days, but I am highly energized by my anger and frustration, which is good, that's what it's for.

There's a lot else to hate about the world, by the way, not just what's wrong with my life. I just sit around being bitter in my bunker all the time.

I'm not sleeping great, but that's beside the point. Not totally unrelated though.

Keep on rockin'

-Scott