U: Kudzu

It's just me and Hank right now. Mel's in the city having dinner with Rielle. I felt anxious all day to get home to the poor little doggie we had left there. He was excited to see me when I finally came back, and he was happy to go for a walk and be fed, and now he's snoozing. Snoozing! He was in a crate all day and now he's decided that what he wants to do with his freedom is sleep! What a king.

I feel myself at something of a low ebb. Obviously, I'm not happy about work, and I'm not happy about not being able to find other work, and I'm not even particularly happy about what my options are for work. A few weeks ago I was kinda duped into signing away some of my rights -- certain non-legislated workplace protections, you could say -- in exchange for a token raise. And look, I need the money so I can't feel bad, but... man, does it not feel good to work for a place that treats people this way. And the thing is... every place treats people this way! That's all there is! It's all just meaningless busywork to keep capitalism going so that people with a lot of money can leverage their profits to keep their money making money. It's not about putting out a thing and being paid for it. I don't have a problem with that. It's the predatory shit that goes above and beyond that. It hurts. I ache.

So, the low ebb. Things don't necessarily feel good in a lot of places. Less excited about writing. Less excited about things I'm reading. You know that feeling where stuff that wouldn't ordinarily bother you at all suddenly gnaws at you? I'm reading this book about R.E.M., and it's going along fine, and then at a certain point I feel weird about myself for reading it. Why should I? I like the band, I'm interested in them, hell a lot of months they're basically the only music I listen to. And now I feel weirdly exposed about it, like oh, I know too much, I'm hearing things that weren't meant to be heard. Since when? Since when was that a thing I would think? Since when has increased knowledge not made me feel good? You know something's off when...

I binge-wrote a bunch of X-Cerpts while I had motivation and now I feel somewhat blah about the entire endeavor. I'm sure it will come back around though.

It's only Hank, and even then I get a little touchy, if I feel like things aren't good with him. I worry, you know. We took him to the vet on Friday. He needs to slim down. He's a bit heavy. I think he may have put on some weight since being with us, since we feed him according to the kibble bag but he's low energy so he doesn't work it off. We've decreased but it's tough, you know, you want to make sure he's fed.

That was a long round trip but Hank was a champ about it. The next day we took him to an event with his foster group in Hamilton, which was a fun outing although he's still a little anti-social with other dogs. When we came home, Mel's parents were there to help us do some tree trimming -- that is literally cutting tree branches not like, putting up ornaments. We kind of got roped into it, I'm not sure who had the idea but after the other plans had been made I got a text reminding me they were coming over and it was like... okay. We don't usually do two things in a day but we did, and let ourselves feel drained. But hey, there was even time for relaxing and audiobook listening afterward.

Sunday, we left Hank at home and took Mel to her hair appointment in Oakville, then did some shopping for birthday gifts. This Saturday is Bree's birthday, and also on Sunday we're seeing Dad and Deb and the guys. I volunteered to host because Mel was feeling reticent about two outings on one weekend but was okay if we stayed home. I'm leery about it but it is what it is.

Being that Mel was going into the city today we went in together. I walked Hank early -- which I should be doing more -- and we had a good trip in. I would have loved to hang around waiting for her, but duty called.

I feel like all my dreams are so ephemeral and I have no means but more importantly no motivation to make them happen. I should have made bigger moves in my 20's when I didn't need as much of a safety net, but it's absolutely true that I was not equipped for it. I have the mind I have now in the circumstances I have now. Every so often I chip away at the stone but it never seems to get smaller.

Harumph.

The upside: These are beautiful summer days and I am seeing a lot of them because of Hank. And hell, there are even upsides to commuting in that I get to see the people of the world, which I don't always hate. You've got to be open to things.

That'll be my time for tonight. I wish I had better for you. It must not be all bad. I have Hank. And Mel.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

P.S. - I've lifted the ban on post "M" from a few months ago. It's still a hard time to think about but we've got some distance and time has healed much of the wounds. I still flash back from time to time if we're out late in a still night and I see the lights of the intersection, the strange calm mingled with panic, my heart bursting from my chest. But we got through it okay and Pandora got through it okay, and it resulted in us meeting Hank, so it all worked out for... perhaps the best. Based on what we now know, Pandora was not the dog for us, and we were not the people for her, and things are getting better for her and I think we all feel pretty good about that. It's all just a matter of some perspective. KOR-SAW