O: A good time for bad dreams

I first conceived of the title of this post a few weeks ago and I held onto it, sure that whatever I ended up writing next would use it (you know, the titles are pretty random anyway) but I held off because a lot of what's going on lately, it feels wrong to attach that particular turn of phrase.

It's my birthday today. I'm 37. That doesn't really mean a lot to me -- over the last few months I keep forgetting I was 36 and skipping ahead, so I wasted a good year thinking I was older than I was. 36 doesn't sound bad. 37 sounds a little more threatening, based on where we're at. There's a lot to get down about, a lot to feel defeated about. It's hard not to.

I'm on LinkedIn right now. I feel so out-to-sea in life. I feel very negatively about my work, but I feel like there's no way out. Every job wants some qualification or skill I don't have -- I could learn but who wants to take a chance on a beginner? Everyone on LinkedIn is so profesh and so polished and so capable, it seems, and I'm a joke. Oh, I can do a lot, I'm a smart guy, but on paper, I'm nothing.

I can't really afford to be making less money than I do, but there's no way up. I really grasshoppered it in my 20's.

I feel terrible. Mel's helping, and I'm trying to help myself, but I look at all these jobs and I feel nothing but disdain for the corporate world. What would I actually like to do? Not this, none of this. "Help train AI" fuck that. Business Analyst... I'm not qualified. Data analyst... don't even think about it. My best hope was a job Mel referred me to for her company, that, in her words "A monkey could do," which had the benefit of being fully WFH and good pay. But I don't have the background they're looking for. It's the same old story.

I'm writing. I'm writing more realname stuff because it may be my only way out but I actually have had some hits in the other realm. Nothing life-changing but it's a small amount of easy money, high effort to reward ratio.

It's all a real downer. I think I need therapy, real therapy.

Fuck. If only that fucking lady hadn't come back.

I should mention some good things. Yesterday was meant to be "lazy" but in practice ended up being more of a "get things done" day, as I attempted, unsuccessfully, to figure out how to hang Mel's puzzle plaque, then successfully -- after a few time-consuming errors -- mounted the floating shelves we got for the kitchen, which involved drilling holes in the wall, some of which were not where they should have been. You know, I've only held a drill so many times in my life. Anyone can make mistakes.

I'm sorry to be such a drag today. The real real world has rarely been kind to me and I'm feeling less able to escape it and hardly capable of facing it. I feel fucked for the long term.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto