J: The Ride

How did a mild winter give way to a cold spring?

The place is in mild disarray, with some stuff where it shouldn't be and some stuff clean. It's become important to me to try to keep the kitchen as clean as possible. You know, it only takes maybe twenty minutes or a half-hour to do all the dishes from a night's cooking, but the work from home life often saw me neglecting this. Ditto throwing in a load of laundry. But things are changing by necessity.

At the beginning of April, the mandatory return to office began. I am not happy about it. We are not happy about it. It's nothing against the building itself or the people there. But when I am there I am tired and unfocussed, distracted by not only the abundant activity around me but thinking of ways to prop myself up: more coffee, more sugar, a little walk, pining for the return of the quiet room for a little nap, a needless trip to the bathroom just to be alone for a bit. I had it so good for so long and I appreciated every moment of it. Now my situation is in disarray.

"You're quitting," Mel would remind me anytime the topic came up. Yeah, wish we could afford that. I am looking for another job but my search has, admittedly, been slow to start and I have barely had any energy these last two weeks to be a person let alone look out for my own interests. I'm always going from place to place or thinking about how I'm going to get there. I feel very dehumanized. I know that sounds dramatic but those thoughts have become the background thrum of my life. It didn't feel good just before the pandemic and it feels way, way worse now. Back then I was literally only coming from a few blocks away, a short jaunt on a streetcar.

With that, Mel is left alone all day, which she does not like. If it were just her lounging around living her life I'm sure she could manage somehow -- not great but no tragedy. But they're working her to the bone and she needs help getting food and with tech support and moral support. Things are not great at the Heimpel Williams House these days but it's not for lack of trying.

This week felt like two weeks because the office stuff punctuates the time so oddly. On Monday was the Eclipse. Mel wasn't able to see it because she was stuck leading a call for work, and we both feel really bad about that. Out of deference I didn't look much but I did go get a picture of the totality. Imagine not being able to experience a once-in-a-lifetime celestial event because you're stuck doing your part for the wheels of capitalism. Ugh. We're trying to move past it.

That evening we went to see a friend of Mel's who she met through our surrogacy process. I admit I have not always been the most active in the quest, mixing it up on social media and whatnot, but it's only because I find that part so draining. Mel though, would be more drained if she did not. She is jittery and needs to be active. Which is good in this case, I just hope she doesn't resent me for not matching her pace. I feel like she's got it covered and I am there to do my part when needed. Anyway, Rippun lives in Oakville, where he just moved with his partner Brian; they are expecting a child any day now. We walked around the trails then went back to their house to sit and chat. He had a lot to say and really hammered home what an immense project this is. It's not as easy or clean as signing up and being delivered a surrogate. There is so much. It is overwhelming, crushing at times, and this would be if there were nothing else going on in life. How do we live? Sometimes we just put it away for what feels like days at a time, and then it comes roaring back and we feel bad for having neglected it, but what else is there? Keep scrolling, keep posting, keep mingling, someone is out there. We had a close encounter a few weeks ago that gave us some hope. It didn't pan out. Mel's takeaway is somewhat negative -- that it will be hard to get that close again. My takeaway is that we're only one day away from meeting the person on any given day.

Mel has a lot of fears about the viability of the situation. I have those fears too but I can't let them consume me. There is nothing we can do but proceed down this path as we have begun to do, and to do our best. And I told her, whatever we are doing is our best, at any given time. What we have the energy for, what we have the resources for, what we judge to be the best use of our time and effort. Whether we do another round, whether we...

I'm going to leave it right there. I stopped mid-thought to do other sruff and I lost momentum, but you get the picture. Maybe I'll tell the story later of my Ferris Bueller day.

Life.

Keep on rockin

Scott