I: Developing an old roll of film

It is bright and sunny and increasingly warm and springlike. I have had the week off from work and gotten to spend the whole time with Mel. Lots of good things have happened lately. I am pretty depressed and falling apart.

I like to put a brave face on it and compare myself with the Scotto of ten-or-so years ago, who was permanently in a slump. I have a lot of my needs looked after and am in a good place in life, but every so often the ship runs aground. I told a friend today who is having a rough time, that we are fighting different dragons but they are dragons nonetheless. The stakes seem so high, and maybe that's just being in your mid-to-late thirties.

This fertility thing is depressing and upsetting and destroying me/us. It feels like every week there is a new setback. To say things aren't going well is frankly an enormous understatement. It just keeps getting worse and harder and bleaker. "I don't want to give up," she told me today. I told her we're not going to. We're going to go until we can't go anymore. But it's so sad, so crushing, that it looks like eventually we will.

It's all we think about, it is the fragile thread that unites us. Not that our relationship would crumble if it were taken away, but we might crumble as people if we lose this war.

Lots of bad things are on my mind lately. This, work -- being dragged back into the office three days a week and forced to contemplate making another move (always my least favourite thing to do... taking action in my own life.) Helplessness in the face of genocide. Just generally not feeling like you have "it."

Who will save me?

Who will save me, if not myself?

Last-last weekend we had Laura and Jake over. I put together the new cabinet -- Mel went a little nutty on Wayfair.

After a few days at the office last week, which I consider a trial run for this new paradigm (I hate it already) we went to Mandarin for lunch with the fam. It was nice but because of their strict rules you need three additional people for every one free Birthday person and Laura and Ryan missed the event so we were short. Boo. We had Unc and Sherlie sign our wills, then the gathering kind of split up. We saw Dad and Deb for dinner on Sunday and I tried to pack away the frustration I've had simmering since Christmas and not let it affect me and just have a dinner like old times. 

We have made this week as good as possible. We've had a lot of lazy days but also outings. We went to the mall to get Mel's nails done on her birthday, and then Second Cup. Monday-Tuesday were a blur, Wednesday we went to Hamilton for Mel's hair appointment and I sat at Tim Hortons around the corner and read, then we went for a nice lunch. She noted it feels like the week is going by fast but I feel like we are languidly floating through it. Unpleasantly, there is work being done at our neighbors' next door, which is disruptive. Not cool for our week off.

There are good things, but they are so ephemeral and slight they can't hold a candle to the bad these days. It's frustrating and sad and I wish I had better for you.

My heart aches. I don't really know what to do but to keep going as far as I can.

Keep on rockin', if you are up to it

Scotto