S: Dedication to the Cause

I think my main problem with my job as it is right now (and will probably always be going forward until I quit) is that they've basically taken from me all my time to dream. Not being concerned about transit and logistics freed my mind to follow other pursuits. Now I'm feeling all this static, and the urgent need to get out of this situation is straining against a lack of ability -- or perceived lack of ability, which is the same thing -- to do so. I can't focus on other things. Sometimes I feel very motivated to put energy toward other things, notions that I have of what else I could be doing that could be my future, but none of it feels very realistic. Oh, I could be writing a story or a novel or a screenplay, or I could be learning this or that with Coursera and improving my chances at different careers... but none of it feels real. It all feels like play-pretend and this, this job, this commute, this rhythm is my life. There's a quixotic sort of futility to trying to do anything else.

I don't like that, I'm so mad about it. There's this pervasive feeling down to my bones that there is no way out and I'm stuck.

All this was to say why I'm writing this in the middle of the afternoon on a Monday instead of late at night like I had often done recently. There is no late at night for me anymore. I'm always tired. My life revolves mostly around the commute and Hank, although the commute is only three days per week. But as previously indicated, those days feel long and grueling (even when they are shortened) and the whole thing leaves me so little time to dream.

We just had such a good status quo, I really took it for granted that the good times wouldn't end. I'm bitter about it all right now, and will be for quite some time going forward. It's so suffocating to know that there's seemingly no way out, and my getting this job was actually a diversion from my regularly planned trajectory of nothingness.

My brain hurts too much to think of anything else to do.

At least I have Hank, a happily snoozing dog who spends his days with me when I'm home. That's been pretty good. This weekend we had to leave him alone in his crate a little bit while we did running around and spent Father's Day with Mel's family. It was a hectic weekend to be sure, without a huge amount of "us" time, but life is like that sometimes. You just take your lumps.

I wish I had more for you, and I wish that more-ness was good and nice, but I've turned out my pockets and it looks like that's all I've got.

Keep on rockin'

Scotto