XXI: Familiar suspicions (further than before)

You'll never get me.

It's been a weird week I guess. I mean, it was my birthday on Tuesday. I wasn't really feeling any kind of way about it this year. I'm 39, I've been saying I'm 39 for a while now, I sometimes even round up to 40 because why not. I refer to myself as "middle-aged" and "old" in ways intended to own it and destigmatize it and simply state is as facts, but lest I make anyone near my age feel bad for referring to myself that way, I clarify, I've been old since I was in my 20's. I felt like a crusty old dude when I was behind the counter at HMV.

It's tough having your birthday and being in a weird place in your life. Obviously, I had just had that really terrible job interview but had somehow snagged a second one, which was scheduled for the next day. Being long-term unemployed is no picnic and not something we go around bragging about. One day is very like another, but you just happen to point to this one and think you should be something else today. I don't know.

The day was good. Well, it was normal. I mostly spent it with Hank because Mel was working, and I was occasionally fielding well wishes from family and friends on text and Facebook. We went out to diner at The Keg, sat on the patio, had the usual. Mel knew our server from high school although they weren't close or anything. I got gifts and felt loved.

The interview felt a lot more normal than the previous one, and I wasn't particularly sore about it right after, although it isn't a spoiler to say that I didn't end up getting the job. And then I did get sore about it, because they had the gall to say "We value your time!" when it's been kind of clear from the start I had no chance. I really did feel my time had been wasted! No, seriously, when I applied they said (in a clear form letter) "We like your background!" And when I submitted my case study, they said (in clearly another form letter) "We loved your case study!" When in fact, in reviewing my case study, it was clear I did not give them at all what they had hoped for, and that when it came time to interrogate my background they didn't understand what I was even doing applying. They guy asked me, in something that really stuck in my craw the more I thought about it, "Why don't you go for another data analysis role?" And the answer is quite obviously, because I either don't fuckin' want one, or I can't seem to get one, asshole! but I endeavored to put a flattering spin on that. I had tried to bridge the gap between my lack of relevant experience and my ability to learn a role, but they didn't bite. Nobody bites. Nobody wants to take a chance on someone. The world isn't really built for people like me, who aren't purpose-build for Some Job.

I need something else to do, man. I need to make 'em all sorry (even though they won't be.)

Onward and upward, I guess, even though I feel unlikely to move on or up.

So, I was pretty dispirited and glum heading into the weekend, which sucked because I had this big party in my own honor, and it would have been nice to at least be in limbo and able to say "Hey, I've had some interviews, we'll see." Instead when people asked what I was up to I could only say "Back to the drawing board" (although I didn't use that exact phrase, I don't think.)

Ah, the party, what a production. Cleaned the house top to bottom just so folks could walk through it. I mean, it definitely was in need. The kitchen got a good scrub, which was important because we had so many people using it. Picking up the food was a minor debacle, because they had lost my proof of payment, which ultimately came down to the person who cashed me out doing it improperly, causing some weird discrepancy. I eventually went home and got my receipt, which was a big waste of time, but, the woman at Fortinos was so embarrassed at the flap she gave me free ice. Also, a few days earlier when I'd ordered, my brain short-circuited how many buns I was supposed to get and I went way overboard, which I kept castigating myself for and/or joking about, ad nauseum.

I hurried home, but people didn't start arriving until well after 2 anyway. First Mom, then Aunt Karen and Ali. Mel had been out walking Hank, but eventually she came back. Eric then arrived, then Mel's parents  with Nonna around 3, Dad and Deb roughly at the same time, then Lori, Gail and Cam, and eventually Unc, Sherlie and the kids. So it was a pretty full house with everyone crammed into our backyard. But the chat was lively, an interesting mix of people who don't see much of each other. Mom and Dad played nice, seemingly. Hank was very popular as always. I drew on the patio with the kids. Mom rekindled her friendship with Nonna. Mama and Papa H were helpful with the cleanup. I was kind of all over the map personally, not spending too much time with any individual person (I did make a point to have a chat with Eric regarding some of my recent endeavors) but it was just nice to have a successful event.

There was, of course, way too much food. The salads were a hit but we probably only needed one meat tray, and the aforementioned bun issues. Lots of people brought desserts, so we could probably have skipped those even though our selections, particularly the cannoli, were a hit. I didn't ask anyone to bring anything, except offhandedly to Brandon a few weeks earlier in a remark I had forgotten about, so he brought mini doughnuts. Dad n' Deb brought both lemon meringue pie and a coffee cake, and Lori and Gail had brought some kind of white chocolate dufflet. I had some of as much of everything as I could, so show I was a darn good sport. Karen had brought Brie and crackers, which I also thought was nice. I literally didn't think anyone was going to bring anything besides booze. And chairs.

We sent some buns home with Mel's parents, and Nonna, and some of whatever else we could offload, but still have a lot. Mel has already said she never wants to think about cold cuts again after we had a second sandwich when everyone had left, so I don't know what we're going to do. The kitchen's back to being a mess. I konked out in front of the TV while we watched a true crime miniseries, and then we went to bed and I felt too keyed up to sleep. I was generally happy with the way things went and learned a lot for the future.

Today was a lot more chill. We went to Williams, had our bagels and coffee with Hank on the patio then came back and read outside. Hank was digging in the garden, to our annoyance, so we bathed him in the grass. It's been the definition of a lazy Sunday, and Mel's up there napping. We'll probably have nachos for dinner and either finish our doc or watch Perfect Match.

June is going to have to be something of a reset for me. I don't know what that means but I need to focus and take action. Something must be done.

As always, I have no idea what that could possibly look like.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto