#4: Is there anybody out there?

...and I don't mean in general, because I know people exist. I was asking if there was anybody out there for me. Specifically. In any case, I've no time to think about my own life lately.

I'm so close... soooo very close... to the end of high school, that's virtually all I can think about and beyond that, it's College. And the question keeps coming up... how am I paying for this?

Oh, God, I want a do-over, man. I wanna take a mulligan on life, because somewhere along the way it got way too tangled up in knots and it's not going quite right. Am I doing the right thing? Will I be able to pull off this bizarre plan of mine? Even if I don't, it's only 2 years. If I think about the beginning of Grade 11 to now, it hardly feels like anything, so I think I can manage.

God, I hate my life. Can I say that? I'm not satisfied. I'm working hard and getting nothing, and yet I'm just totally just running idle all the while. Whgat's wrong with me? Why can't I take control, take charge, and just go ahead? Why can't I live my life on my own terms?

I want to skip ahead, but I can't. I've got to endure, at the very minimum, 2 years of college education, as far as I can tell, before I can go ahead. I know my parents wouldn't be happy if I did the old "take a year off" bit, because Brandon took some time off... and it turned into a full time gig. And let's not get into Eric. I've always proven to be the exception, but how would they know? How would I know?

I'm stressing out. My life really sucks right now. In the middle of all this growing up and moving forward crap I realize I have a ton of homework to do.

I watched "What About Bob?" a week ago. Maybe the answer's in there... baby steps... y'know? It all makes sense.

Even disregarding all my professional/educational woes, I still can't get around my personal woes. I'm positive Randi still wants to get back together and it's really starting to irritate me. This is partially because I don't have any other options. I'm miserable, and there's nobody else (right?) so why shouldn't I have some company? The subject came up with Kyle and Scott Conorton while at lunch in NYC, and I said I didn't want to, and Conorton just didn't get it, and frankly I don't blame him. If I weren't the one in the position, I wouldn't either, but I am. I don't know what's out there but if there's something other than Randi I'm pretty sure I want that. No offense to her, she's a great girl, a loving girlfriend, but it's kinda like taking the sure thing... how can you be satisfied going for a sure thing? It's like saying "okay, there's nobody else, let's go ahead." How can I bring myself to do that? And yet, how can I not, since I've seen what's out there and it's clearly nothing? I don't even know any single girls, really, and even the attached ones I know wouldn't. I'm a fucked-up kid in a fucked-up situation and fucked if I know how to deal with it.

How much longer can I really hold out? That's what I wanna know.

There's nothing, man. There's nobody. When am I gonna learn?

Jesus.

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto