#8: Joyful Catatonia

In Writer's Craft today, one of the vocab words was "inextricable," which literally means "unable to be disentangled," and the example sentence used it in the sense of a knot... which amused me because that's actually kind of an inaccurate usage, if only because it's too literal. A concept can be inextricably linked to another, or a man inextricable from his girlfriend, if you want to get creative. But no, a lot of the people, other than Alyssa and I (and Julia,) used it in the literal sense of a knot, and I was waiting for Guthrie to comment on it... and he did. Cleverly he noted, "the word 'inextricable' seems inextricably linked to knots..."

At this point, I'd like to note that life sucks.

Yep, kids, surprise of surprises, Scotto's a little down. I'm lethargic more than anything but it shouldn't take much to toss me right over the edge. I'm sluggish, I'm not funny recently, not even that quick in conversation. I just sit and cannot think of a thing to say, I'm not on top of things. So if I seem dull in conversation lately, please go easy on me. To show you how not on top of things I am, Alyssa made some comment about "going to hell" and I could sense what the joke was but for the life of me, I was not following.

Tuesdays. Let me tell ya something about tuesdays. If you're not on the train by tuesday, the week is fucked, man.

This week, incidentally, is dedicated to writing my summative essay in English. This is the essay comparing, in my case, Huckleberry Finn to the Time Machine. I actually find myself overflowing with material, too, since it's supposed to be 1100-1300 words, and after the first body paragraph, I'm at 550. Yowza. Y'know, at this point, it occurs that I ought to be able to apply the art of Precis, which we're learning in Writer's Craft, to my own essay... but I'm nowhere near self-aware enough for that.

Went to the dentist today. For the second time in recollection, I've gotten the chip in my front tooth filled. It feels so weird, and it probably will come out, just because of the way my teeth grind together, but I'm glad for now, as my teeth finally look regular (somewhat.) My mouth was so numb, too. Yet it was numbed to the point of a dull ache, so can that really be numb? I couldn't feel it when I touched it, but there was definitely soreness. How odd. Odd and unpleasant.

So I'm on the melancholy side lately. Oh, there are a number of reasons for this, but it's mostly the same old shit. The sad thing is, my problems aren't even unique. The only unique thing is that it's me who has them. I was almost at the breaking point recently. I almost went through with "it," (longtime readers might understand what I'm talking about, but I prefer to be vague,) but when I had the chance, I just sat there. It's so weird. I had completely resolved yesterday that I was actually going to take my so-called "sure thing," but when the opportunity presented itself, I just let it pass by. Now what the hell is wrong with me? Am I so paralyzed that I cannot even bring myself to do this? Thinking about it just gave me another reason for delightful self-loathing.

I'm different. Maybe it doesn't always come across, but I know I'm not like every other teenager you meet. In fact, I don't think I'm like any of them. Because these words ain't me. It's the simplest way , maybe, to express what's going on in my head, but it ain't the truth. I'm not lying, but I ain't you average kid.

I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm both and nothing and anything I wanna be by at any given moment. It's just a lot easier to be depressed - it requires less effort on my part.

No that's fucked up.

And on that somewhat philosophical note (which is a statement as enigmatic as the man who wrote it, I hope,) I'll bid you a keep on rockin'
-Scotto